Hindsight is 20/20

I would like to apologize in advance to all my readers trying to put events into chronological order while reading.  Thus far I’ve been writing as things pop into my head, or writing for my friends, knowing what sort of situations they are currently going through and how my words might help.  Now I’m in the process of going back and filling in the gaps - something I’d like to avoid in the future.  Please be patient with me!

On to the good stuff...

Jordan and I had quickly become friends on facebook after meeting at our mutual friend’s party and had a few IM conversations before he finally asked for my number one evening.  Several days later he invited me to meet him and some of his friends at a bar.

I ended up having a really nice time, even though I went into the evening only knowing two people.  Jordan was really laid back; initially staying by my side and introduced me to everyone he knew.  Gradually as I became more comfortable he mingled with his friends and left me to my own devices, occasionally catching my eye across the room to make sure I was still doing ok.  I really appreciate this characteristic in a man - knowing when to leave me alone (if I’m involved in a conversation) and when to rescue me (in the event i’m obviously bored)

As the gathering started to dissipate I turned to Jordan to let him know I was leaving and he caught me really off guard by asking if I wanted to come home with him.

I would like to start by saying that while I liked what I had seen of Jordan’s personality at this point I still wasn’t sure what category I was hoping he would fall into (boyfriend material, friend, friend with benefits).

That being said, I ended up going back to his place.  We went into his room under the pretense of watching a movie (yeah right...) and made ourselves comfortable.

Before I knew it we were making out.  Originally I didn’t want to sleep with him, knowing that I still didn’t know what category to put him in.  

Reminder: It’s important not to sleep with someone on the ‘first date’ if you’re hoping for a relationship.

Even though I knew full well that I should have ended the evening at that point, I also felt like I didn’t know how to turn him down since we had already started fooling around.  Several days later I found a post from another blog outlining exactly how to handle this situation... Isn’t that how life always works?

As I’m sure you can guess, we ended up having sex.  I really enjoyed it; he knew just how to balance treating me as a lady but taking me like a man.  If you’ve never experienced this let me break it down for you:

*He spent a good amount of time getting to know my body

*Took his time kissing/caressing

*Wasn’t selfish 

*Knew when to be firm ;)

*Wasn’t afraid to be a little rougher/more passionate at times

He initiated post-sex cuddling, and even adjusted the pillows in the middle of the night when he realized I had rolled off of them (he doesn’t know I woke up when this happened).

The next morning we went to breakfast, had an easy and playful conversation, did a little shopping and then went our separate ways.

Of course I told my good friend Iris about it right away... because we girls gossip like that.  

(ok... I wouldn't go that far...)

One of her first questions included, “when/are you going to text him later?”

The answer to that my friends is no.  Generally it is a good idea to let the man initiate contact in the early stages of any relationship so I decided to wait it out.

So naturally I was thrilled when he sent a text later in the day asking how I was and if I had enjoyed myself the previous evening.  At this point I was hooked.  Based on what I had seen of his personality I wished I hadn’t slept with him so early.  Knowing that it’s very difficult to go from hook-up to relationship I set my sights on hopefully turning the this into a stable friends with benefits situation.

This of course didn’t end up happening, and even though i’m disappointed I don’t necessarily regret anything.  We still see each other/talk regularly and I can now learn from my mistakes.

The take way:

*If you want a relationship, don’t have sex until you have some kind of commitment.

*In the event of putting yourself in a situation where sex is imminent:

*Make your intentions clear (you won’t sleep with him...tonight)

*Without interruptions firmly guide away his hands

*Repeat that you don’t want to go there... yet

Feel free to discuss your similar situations below in the comments!

Importance of healthy eating

You will soon begin to realize that I reference a blog titled The Rules Revisited quite often throughout my posts.  This blog, by a man named Andrew, is the site that really got me excited about changing my lifestyle.  A close friend of mine had sent me the original link a couple months ago and I ended up perusing the posts until 3 am! 

Disclaimer: some people don’t agree with many of his posts but if you look at them as an up front and honest example of the way men think you’ll enjoy them more. 

Remember, don’t be a sheep! Read, ponder, and apply as necessary.

One thing Andrew stresses is that beauty is controllable.  Attractiveness can be altered and a large factor is fitness, though apparently your shape is more important than your size.  Taking a look at myself I can see I would fall into the apple category according to this diagram:

(I carry weight in my upper body.  If you look like someone in the top/purple row, You're probably an apple too!)

With the right clothes and the proper fit (not to mention a push-up bra) I can give the illusion of an hour glass figure.  While enhancing my physical appearance this way works for now, I know there is always room for improvement!  I’ve started working out more and i'm trying to eat healthier.  This can be a challenge with my busy schedule and strict budget.

Healthy eating is a key component to fitness, which is something i’ve always known but have a hard time living by.  It’s way easier to swing by Wendy’s on the way to work than it is to prep a lunch in advance.  Fast food may be more convenient, but it’s not better for your wallet or waistline.  Let me break it down for you:

Average dinner at Wendy’s

Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Fries

Lemonade

970 Calories, $7

Lunch today at McDonalds

Premium Sweet Chili Chicken McWrap

Fries

Water

750 Calories, $3.80

1,720 Calories for just two meals.  Considering i’m trying to keep to 1,500 a day (not a strict calorie counter, but I am careful about my choices) that is just ridiculous!  Not to mention that’s roughly $10 for one day.  An average of $50 a week just for eating out.  I don’t know about you but I don’t have $200 to spend just on dining out each month.

If you take a look at my grocery haul today you’ll see that I bought ingredients for several meals as well as snacks.  These items combined with stuff I already have in my fridge/pantry will allow me to eat all week.  All for under $30.  Managing my money this way I can live on $120 for food a month - sometimes less since I don’t go shopping every week.

Example menu for this week:

Snacks:  Salsa and homemade chips, cucumbers, popcorn
Lunch:   BLT wraps w/ roasted tomatoes/garlic and spring mix instead of iceberg

             Salads made with leftover chicken from dinner recipes

Dinner:  Lemon baked chicken w/ quinoa and salad greens

              Bruschetta Chicken w/ broccoli and homemade bread

              Veggie stir fry (peppers, onions, broccoli, carrots) and rice

               Balsamic chicken w/peppers and quinoa

*Note that I had some of these items already.  Plan meals around what’s on sale and what you already have in your fridge!

This menu leaves room life’s little indulgences and I still feel good about myself.  Healthy eating can not only help you save money, but will help you slim down.  You’ll feel better, more energetic, and not to mention you’ll boost your attractiveness! 

Like i’ve said before I’m not perfect.  I’ll splurge on fast food or a dinner out with friends here and there.  I’ll be the first to admit i’m addicted to my Iced Caramel Machiatto from Starbucks.  The important thing to remember is I’m trying, and the proof can be seen in my wallet and waistline ;)

Heartbreak

As I sat at my computer this evening I could tell something didn’t feel quite right.  Maybe it was that it was growing dark outside, or perhaps it had something to do with the somber music I was listening to... but I’ll admit I was feeling lonely and sad.  Pinterest usually perks me right up so I logged on to the website.  There is just something about the motivational photos, recipes, and DIY projects that really cheers a person up.

It has been a while since I cleaned up and reorganized my boards, so that’s where I started.  My chest started to ache when I glanced over my wedding board.  Knowing it wouldn’t be a good idea I double clicked and started scrolling through all the beautiful images of the perfect fall wedding I had been planning.

No, I was never engaged, but my previous boyfriend and I had been rather serious.  We had been living together right before the split and had even discussed rings at one point.  Every woman has a wedding board on their pinterest account.  Naturally as my relationship grew I began pinning things that incorporated his style and favorite colors with mine.  Tears started to form as I sat staring at the bouquet/boutonniere set I knew he would have loved.

Disappointment swelled within me.  I had planned a life with this man.  Many of the items on my dream home board were also things we had talked about incorporating into our home.  I thought back to a video by Matthew Hussey I had watched a month ago about heartbreak.

In the video Matthew discusses the two places pain like this stems from:

1. Believing this person was your soulmate and you have now lost them forever.  You’ll     be hurt for a long time because you think they were THE ONE.
2. You realize this isn’t you losing your soulmate, just being disappointed because this particular person didn’t turn out to be THE ONE. 

Someone had asked me about two months after this last boyfriend and I broke up why I didn’t seem more upset.  They thought it was strange that I had seemingly moved on so quickly.  I really believe that it was because I recognized that he wasn’t THE ONLY one for me.  Yes I was sad and disappointed the relationship wasn’t what I thought it was, but I was ready to move on to find the right relationship.

Watch the video and send it to anyone you think might benefit from seeing it.

Keep in mind that you’ll probably have some bad days just like I am tonight.  It’s important to remember, however, that there will be plenty of good ones as well. :)

Stalemate

A few weeks ago I found myself in a bookstore with one of my good friends browsing through the self-help section.  Spying a small book about online dating I picked it up and started to flip through it.  One section jumped right out at me - how many messages you should exchange before moving on.

The basic concept is that after about 5 messages an online conversation turns pretty stale.  You run out of things to talk about and at this point the man should either ask to see you, or you should cut your losses and move on.

While this may seem like a harsh limit to some of you (probably those who have never tried online dating) it is completely true.  Do you believe in fate?  Because that day I had just sent my 15th reply to Mitch, a guy with whom I had started talking to a few weeks prior.  Our conversation hadn’t slowed at this point, but I did find myself more and more disappointed by his lack of invitation to meet.

So when Mitch replied later that day I left it alone, telling myself that I could always go back and message him later.

Fast forward a week and a half.  Systematically going through and deleting some of my old messages I see that I never responded to Mitch!  I hadn’t intentionally ignored his message for so long, and I felt guilty for passing on someone who seemed really interesting.  I decided to compromise - I messaged him but kept it short.

BAM!  Mitch’s next message was a perfectly crafted invitation to meet up that weekend for a late dessert at a cafe we had talked about in previous messages.

 

What?  Don't tell me you never act like this after a long awaited message...

On the surface it turned out to be the perfect date.  Our conversation felt natural and there were no awkward pauses.  Unfortunately I was not as attracted to him in person as I had been to the idea of him (his pictures, and the way he came through via messages).

Finally the date came to a good stopping point and I casually mentioned that my friends were waiting at a local bar for me to join them.  This turned out to be a mistake, as he proceeded to ask if he could tag along.

Thankfully he was extremely low maintenance at the bar, something I appreciate immensely!  There is nothing worse than needing to babysit your friends/significant other to help them feel included.

Although I felt a little guilty about it later, Mitch’s low maintenance approach allowed me to mingle and practice flirting with several other men who turned up at the bar.  

Never one to miss an opportunity to fine-tune my game I engaged in a playful conversation with an attractive gentleman (Nick) and his friend (Aaron)... both of whom I ended up taking home later that evening (don’t worry, Mitch had gone home long before the flirting became too intense).

This would be a good time to point out that while many of the sites and books I reference have great advice, it is important to tailor each 'rule' to your own needs.  While I think moving on after several messages is a good idea, in this case replying kept me from being held back by wondering what could have happened.  At least now I know!

Not your average game of Jenga

I’ve been reading a lot about stacking dates on various blogs lately.  For those of you who have no experience it goes something like this:

*Invite girl 1 on date say... 7pm for dinner

*Invite girl 2 out for drinks... 9pm

*If girl 1 is a total snoozefest end date early and move on

*If girl 1 is awesome, blow off girl 2

Many of the folks who follow these blogs have commented on that post about how successful this technique has been for them.  The author himself says that this always leads to hooking up with one of the women he sees in a day.  So I decided to try it out for myself.  

Several weeks prior I had met Jordan at a mutual friend’s party.  He was charming, attractive, and seemed to be a pretty good guy.  We went out a week after meeting and I had been searching for a reason to see him again.  After several failed attempts he was finally free to attend a party with me last Friday night.  The only problem?  I had agreed to a 2nd date with Mitch that same night.

No big deal, I’ll stack the date I said to myself.  Dinner with Mitch at 6 and head to the party with Jordan around 9.  I felt all the same things several date stackers do... calm, like if something went wrong with Mitch it wasn’t a big deal, since I felt like I was in high demand.  I did feel incredibly guilty however, when at the end of dinner Mitch asked if I wanted to have drinks at a local bar we both had expressed interest in trying.  I’ll be honest, I told a half-truth.  I said I was going to a party, but told him it was girls night.  Although disappointed, he was persistent and said perhaps we could go sometime later the next week (we never did).

Although I knew I wasn’t particularly interested in seeing Mitch again, I would still call it a successful date.  Seeing Jordan however, was the part of the evening I was particularly excited about.  I was hoping that the night would end the same way it did the last time we saw each other.  

Mistake 1: You probably shouldn’t talk about other people you’re dating in front of another date. While at the party, Jordan overheard a friend of mine ask how my date earlier in the evening had gone.  

Mistake 2: Don’t ask about the other people the guy is dating.  I tried to recover the situation, but before I could Jordan mentioned he too had been on a date earlier in the week.  I couldn’t help myself, I asked how his date went.  As i’m sure most of you have felt at one point in time I was torn between wanting to know and not wanting to hear the details.  I heard the worst news possible - that it had gone well and he would probably see her again.

While he could have just been saying this to make himself seem more desirable it immediately changed my motives.  I no longer wanted to pursue him because 

A: I was hurt that he didn’t think of taking me on a date

B: I thought of myself as ‘the other woman’ even though they weren’t exclusive

I ended up going home alone that night, and even though I was disappointed I was happy with my decision to see both men on the same evening.  That being said, please please please do not take this post as an endorsement to stack dates all the time.  I would never recommend fully following the date stacking technique (blowing off the second girl if the first is more interesting).  How would you feel after all if you learned the reason your last date never showed was because someone was more interesting than you?  Feel free to use this technique as a reason to keep the dates short and sweet, but try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. 

Don't let your dates find out they were stacked...

How do you feel about stacking?  Share your success (or failure) stories below.

The Beginning: It takes time

        Serial Monogamist: one who spends as little time as possible being single, moving from one relationship to another as quickly as possible - urban dictionary.

This describes exactly who i’ve been from the time I was 16 till now.  My relationships defined who I was.  An ex once pointed this out to me but it took me two more serious long term relationships before I finally allowed myself to agree with him.

I was never single for more than a few months and didn’t know how to be alone.  Some may say I still don’t know how to be single, as I’m actively pursuing dates currently.  Andrew, author of The Rules Revisited makes a great point that we (both men and women) should not waste our most eligible years.  I’ll write more about that later, but what I want you to take away is this: actively dating isn’t wrong.  There is a difference between being a serial monogamist (relationship hopping) and dating.

For example, I used to be the type to rush into relationships.  Dating someone for a week?  Awesome.  Make it officially exclusive and be stuck in the relationship for 6+ months because you’re too scared to move on even when you know it isn’t working.

Yeah bro... I don't think it's working

However, self improvement takes time.  I’ve already caught myself going on multiple dates with people I’m not particularly interested in just because I, like everyone else, enjoy the feeling of being wanted.

This blog will mostly be an outlet for me to document how i’m taking other how-to blogs and applying them to real life.  Keep in mind that, as Andrew says in one of his posts, that no single thing is going to make or break a situation.  The goal should be to make gradual improvements while continuing to be the best version of you.  If all goes well, the best version of me in a few years will be vastly different than the best version of me now. 

So relax, don’t be so hard on yourself.  Self-improvement takes time.  They say it takes 21 days to make/break a habit so start with that.  Focus on steady improvement.  You’ll only get better with time!

Introduction: You are responsible

        I woke up with a heavy heart, too sad to get out of bed.  The previous night had ended with me breaking up with my long term boyfriend with whom I had thought I was going to move to a new state with just a week prior.

My phone beeps - a message from a friend asking what I would be doing that day.  After a brief rehash of the last 24 hours I’m told to get up and out of bed.  We’re all going to a movie.  The next 8 hours are hazy... I remember my friends being comforting, listening to me cry and whine about how it wasn’t fair for him to do this to me.  It was decided that the best plan of action would be to get totally dressed up and go out on the town.

That night I started out thinking the same way most 20 somethings think when they have just broken up with someone - no one is ever going to love me again; I’m not attractive.  I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or how awesome of an influence my friends are but at one point I actually started enjoying myself.  

I only wish I had moves like this

      I let go.  I went out on the dance floor by myself where I learned the second most important lesson of the night - I was still desirable.

A man I had never met before kissed me that night.  Now I don’t know if it was because we had both had a few too many or any number of other reasons.  The point I want you all to take away is this - just because one man no longer wants you does not mean no one ever will.

Take a look at this post: http://www.rooshv.com/before-sex-after-sex

The author, Roosh, makes this point that everyone in their 20s should learn sooner rather than later:

“Instead of working towards real change to increase their value, most twenty-somethings instead whine about how life isn’t fair and how bad their luck is, as if there is a concerted effort by the overlords of our universe to keep them single and unhappy. 
You are responsible for your romantic happiness, and no one else. If there is a problem then get off your ass and do something about it, no matter how many years it takes to solve.”

That was 4 months ago and since then i’ve been working on improving myself not just emotionally but physically.  Several people have asked me to record my journey through blogging, with links to the resources I have been using for advice.  This will mostly be an account of how several “how to” blogs have worked - or in some cases - not worked for me (your average 20 something college student).

I am taking ownership of my romantic happiness, something that I have never done before.  I hope you enjoy reading about my adventures... i’m sure there will be many hilarious failures as well as inspiring success stories.