Hindsight is 20/20

I would like to apologize in advance to all my readers trying to put events into chronological order while reading.  Thus far I’ve been writing as things pop into my head, or writing for my friends, knowing what sort of situations they are currently going through and how my words might help.  Now I’m in the process of going back and filling in the gaps - something I’d like to avoid in the future.  Please be patient with me!

On to the good stuff...

Jordan and I had quickly become friends on facebook after meeting at our mutual friend’s party and had a few IM conversations before he finally asked for my number one evening.  Several days later he invited me to meet him and some of his friends at a bar.

I ended up having a really nice time, even though I went into the evening only knowing two people.  Jordan was really laid back; initially staying by my side and introduced me to everyone he knew.  Gradually as I became more comfortable he mingled with his friends and left me to my own devices, occasionally catching my eye across the room to make sure I was still doing ok.  I really appreciate this characteristic in a man - knowing when to leave me alone (if I’m involved in a conversation) and when to rescue me (in the event i’m obviously bored)

As the gathering started to dissipate I turned to Jordan to let him know I was leaving and he caught me really off guard by asking if I wanted to come home with him.

I would like to start by saying that while I liked what I had seen of Jordan’s personality at this point I still wasn’t sure what category I was hoping he would fall into (boyfriend material, friend, friend with benefits).

That being said, I ended up going back to his place.  We went into his room under the pretense of watching a movie (yeah right...) and made ourselves comfortable.

Before I knew it we were making out.  Originally I didn’t want to sleep with him, knowing that I still didn’t know what category to put him in.  

Reminder: It’s important not to sleep with someone on the ‘first date’ if you’re hoping for a relationship.

Even though I knew full well that I should have ended the evening at that point, I also felt like I didn’t know how to turn him down since we had already started fooling around.  Several days later I found a post from another blog outlining exactly how to handle this situation... Isn’t that how life always works?

As I’m sure you can guess, we ended up having sex.  I really enjoyed it; he knew just how to balance treating me as a lady but taking me like a man.  If you’ve never experienced this let me break it down for you:

*He spent a good amount of time getting to know my body

*Took his time kissing/caressing

*Wasn’t selfish 

*Knew when to be firm ;)

*Wasn’t afraid to be a little rougher/more passionate at times

He initiated post-sex cuddling, and even adjusted the pillows in the middle of the night when he realized I had rolled off of them (he doesn’t know I woke up when this happened).

The next morning we went to breakfast, had an easy and playful conversation, did a little shopping and then went our separate ways.

Of course I told my good friend Iris about it right away... because we girls gossip like that.  

(ok... I wouldn't go that far...)

One of her first questions included, “when/are you going to text him later?”

The answer to that my friends is no.  Generally it is a good idea to let the man initiate contact in the early stages of any relationship so I decided to wait it out.

So naturally I was thrilled when he sent a text later in the day asking how I was and if I had enjoyed myself the previous evening.  At this point I was hooked.  Based on what I had seen of his personality I wished I hadn’t slept with him so early.  Knowing that it’s very difficult to go from hook-up to relationship I set my sights on hopefully turning the this into a stable friends with benefits situation.

This of course didn’t end up happening, and even though i’m disappointed I don’t necessarily regret anything.  We still see each other/talk regularly and I can now learn from my mistakes.

The take way:

*If you want a relationship, don’t have sex until you have some kind of commitment.

*In the event of putting yourself in a situation where sex is imminent:

*Make your intentions clear (you won’t sleep with him...tonight)

*Without interruptions firmly guide away his hands

*Repeat that you don’t want to go there... yet

Feel free to discuss your similar situations below in the comments!

Not your average game of Jenga

I’ve been reading a lot about stacking dates on various blogs lately.  For those of you who have no experience it goes something like this:

*Invite girl 1 on date say... 7pm for dinner

*Invite girl 2 out for drinks... 9pm

*If girl 1 is a total snoozefest end date early and move on

*If girl 1 is awesome, blow off girl 2

Many of the folks who follow these blogs have commented on that post about how successful this technique has been for them.  The author himself says that this always leads to hooking up with one of the women he sees in a day.  So I decided to try it out for myself.  

Several weeks prior I had met Jordan at a mutual friend’s party.  He was charming, attractive, and seemed to be a pretty good guy.  We went out a week after meeting and I had been searching for a reason to see him again.  After several failed attempts he was finally free to attend a party with me last Friday night.  The only problem?  I had agreed to a 2nd date with Mitch that same night.

No big deal, I’ll stack the date I said to myself.  Dinner with Mitch at 6 and head to the party with Jordan around 9.  I felt all the same things several date stackers do... calm, like if something went wrong with Mitch it wasn’t a big deal, since I felt like I was in high demand.  I did feel incredibly guilty however, when at the end of dinner Mitch asked if I wanted to have drinks at a local bar we both had expressed interest in trying.  I’ll be honest, I told a half-truth.  I said I was going to a party, but told him it was girls night.  Although disappointed, he was persistent and said perhaps we could go sometime later the next week (we never did).

Although I knew I wasn’t particularly interested in seeing Mitch again, I would still call it a successful date.  Seeing Jordan however, was the part of the evening I was particularly excited about.  I was hoping that the night would end the same way it did the last time we saw each other.  

Mistake 1: You probably shouldn’t talk about other people you’re dating in front of another date. While at the party, Jordan overheard a friend of mine ask how my date earlier in the evening had gone.  

Mistake 2: Don’t ask about the other people the guy is dating.  I tried to recover the situation, but before I could Jordan mentioned he too had been on a date earlier in the week.  I couldn’t help myself, I asked how his date went.  As i’m sure most of you have felt at one point in time I was torn between wanting to know and not wanting to hear the details.  I heard the worst news possible - that it had gone well and he would probably see her again.

While he could have just been saying this to make himself seem more desirable it immediately changed my motives.  I no longer wanted to pursue him because 

A: I was hurt that he didn’t think of taking me on a date

B: I thought of myself as ‘the other woman’ even though they weren’t exclusive

I ended up going home alone that night, and even though I was disappointed I was happy with my decision to see both men on the same evening.  That being said, please please please do not take this post as an endorsement to stack dates all the time.  I would never recommend fully following the date stacking technique (blowing off the second girl if the first is more interesting).  How would you feel after all if you learned the reason your last date never showed was because someone was more interesting than you?  Feel free to use this technique as a reason to keep the dates short and sweet, but try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. 

Don't let your dates find out they were stacked...

How do you feel about stacking?  Share your success (or failure) stories below.