Why men and women can't be friends

If my life was a movie it would definitely be a romantic comedy.  Minus most of the romance.  

The plot would look something like this: female protagonist is seen spending time with her best friend who happens to be male.  Feelings develop between them, are unveiled, and with one minor mishap they eventually end up together after a big romantic gesture.  

Unfortunately real life doesn’t work that way. 

You see, Ray and I have been spending quite a bit of time together these past few months and I would consider him my best friend.  This may seem like a childish term but it’s true.  He is the first person I turn to when i’m having a bad day.  The one I call first to share awesome news and is usually the last person I talk to before going to bed.  When i’m bored I shoot him a text because I rarely get tired of his company and I know i’ll always have a good time.  So it should come as no surprise to anyone when we started to develop feelings for each other.

Our dynamic started to shift about a month ago, going from really casual hanging out every once in a while and talking a couple times a week to talking every day and hanging out ever other.  My friends began to comment on how strange our relationship was; they knew we were super close but also knew we never touched.  No friend hugs to be had here!

I will admit I was in complete denial until one night I had been drinking and was playfully trying to keep him from leaving my house.  I’m not sure what the exact trigger was but as soon as he said we should talk when I was sober I knew there was no going back.  The next afternoon was the most awkward day I hope to ever experience with Ray.

We met our friends for lunch and probably didn’t say more than 10 words to each other the entire time.  When someone asked why we were so quiet we both shrugged and tried not to look at each other.

oh what? No I most certainly was not staring at you...

We desperately needed to talk about what was going on between us or be forever awkward in each others’ presence.  Hiking had been our activity of choice for several weeks at this point so it felt only natural to suggest we ‘walk it out’.

close enough

The tension was stifling.  One of the things I love about hiking with Ray is that neither of us feel the need to fill every silence with conversation.  We could go several minutes on our walks without saying a word.  But the silences on this particular walk were oppressive.  All of our concerns were hanging between us unspoken and it seemed like it was never appropriate to approach the topics that needed discussed.

And then something amazing happened.  Sitting on a dead tree in the woods the conversation just began to flow.  Pros and cons were listed, feelings were shared, and twigs were snapped to keep nervous hands from shaking.  I was incredibly impressed by the maturity with which we discussed everything - a trait our relationship still has that I am extremely grateful for.  Excitement filled me as I began to think about what a relationship with Ray would be like.  So far the plot sounds pretty good right? 

Plot twist: Ray is X’s old roommate/really good friend.

Ray was there for me through all of the drama surrounding X leaving.  One of his main concerns being that I wasn’t entirely over X at this point.  This was a valid concern, especially keeping in mind the name of this blog.  As a serial monogamist it is very like me to dive into a new relationship soon after one ends.  This is a habit i’m trying to break and Ray was aware of this fact.  

After a couple weeks of discussion Ray decided I was worth the risk to his friendship with X.

Here is where things start to head south in my book.  X gave us his blessing by saying if Ray and I had a chance at something meaningful how could he possibly stand in the way? (I’m so so so lucky to have such a great group of exes)

Even though X handled the situation the best anyone could the whole process put a lot of pressure on Ray.  In the end Ray did what he does best and over analyzed the entire situation.  Every day was a different answer.  Yeah I want to give us a shot.  No I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship.  I really enjoy the friendly dynamic we have now, but I’m also really attracted to you.

It went on this way until two Fridays ago.  We were chilling in my room, waiting for our friends to show up so we could all head out to the bars when out of the blue he blurted “I think I would regret it if I didn’t give us a shot.  So i’d like to try.  For real this time.”

oh... yeah ok... sweet?

At this point I was very apathetic to the whole situation.  Yes I knew I wanted to date him, but I was also extremely frustrated and just wanted a final answer.  Once we hit the bars however my excitement began to build once again.  The touch barriers were gone and he had given me what I assumed to be his final answer.  It turned out to be a great evening and I even got some cuddle time. (Ray stayed over, but slept on the couch)

Several days later Ray informed me that he didn’t think it was going to work.  

Beware... I'm about to use a lot of angsty-teen relationship quotes

He walked out of my house after a long hug and made his way toward his car.  I stood at the window, watching him leave and decided it was now or never.  Cue romantic gesture: I proceeded to put on my shoes and run out the door after him (oddly enough this was not the first time this has happened.  It seems to be my signature romantic gesture)

I met him at his car and we then shared our first and what will probably (unfortunately) be our last kiss.  Dear readers, do not mistake me.  The kiss was wonderful.  He was hesitant at first but it definitely made my top 5 first kiss list.  His lips were incredibly soft and I felt completely comfortable in his arms.

And they lived happily ever after....

Or not so much.  Despite being incredibly turned on by our mini make-out session there was no spark.  No fluttering butterflies and there was most certainly no classic foot pop.  

I know you know what i'm talking about...

This is very important folks - I have no regrets.  About any of it.  Had I not ran out and kissed Ray I would have never known if I was missing out on something amazing.  

Am I sad that things didn’t work out? More than I'll probably ever admit.

Tonight I came home after having a long talk with Ray about how we were both feeling and I finally got some closure.   We discussed at length what exactly had gone wrong (there was too much pressure, he over analyzed) and we both mentioned there wasn’t really any electricity between us when we kissed.  I think everything would have worked out differently had X not been in the picture.  Our relationship would have developed more organically and we would potentially be together at this very moment.  I am grateful that even after all of this Ray and I are still able to have very honest and open conversations.  I'm very lucky to have him in my life and I hope he continues to put up with me for many more years.

What we have may not be a romantic relationship, but it's still pretty awesome.

Just a few days ago I was telling a friend all that had happened and all she could say was that I could do better.  

I know she was just trying to make me feel better but this comment actually made me really angry.  I don’t think she fully understood.  Ray has recently grown into an amazing guy.  He genuinely cares about the people he is close to and is incredibly witty at times.  He pushes me to be a better, more responsible person and is able to teach me new things without coming off as condescending.  He has always been there when I need him for any reason.  Not to mention he is pretty attractive. :P  

So no, I couldn't do better (with the exception of the addition of a spark).  These are all the qualities I look for and I will be rather envious of the woman who eventually reels him in.

What do you think readers?  Personally I think men and women can be friends... but only on the surface.  Once you start really delving into each other's lives romantic feelings will soon follow.

Despite how I wish things had turned out Ray and I shall continue on as we always have... being each other's emotional support.  Friends till the end.  

Threesomes Part 1

It seems to be every guy’s fantasy.  A girl invites a man back to her place where he is introduced to her hot roommate.  The two girls begin to touch each other and proceed to invite the man to join them.  A threesome ensues, good times are had by all and the male is able to leave in the morning - no strings attached and able to brag to his friends later that very day.  This risque topic is discussed in embarrassed tones between female friends, many of them saying they would be too insecure or protective of the man to let in another woman.  I have seen many r/askreddit and r/sex threads devoted to the topic.  Many questions include tips for a successful threesome or asking for stories from adventuresome folks who have experienced them.

Below I may go into some pretty detailed descriptions of my experiences with this topic, so if you don’t want to hear about it then stop reading!  This content is not suitable for all ages.

I have always been pretty aware and open with my sexual likes and dislikes, so it was not out of the ordinary for my significant other and I to discuss different fantasies we would like to play out.  As mentioned above, one fantasy that was usually on his mind was that of a threesome.  

To all you ladies out there who assume this should be offensive - it’s not!  

A threesome fantasy is not always about wanting to sleep with other people.  

Do not allow yourself to think you’re not good enough to continually please your S.O.  Men often see girl on girl action in porn and think it’s the hottest thing ever (they’re not alone, I too enjoy a little girl/girl visual stimuli every once in a while).

Imagine you’re a man...I ask you - wouldn’t it be super hot to see your girlfriend being pleasured by another woman right in front of you?  Wouldn’t it be EVEN HOTTER if you were able to join in?  This is why this particular fantasy is so common.

So X (my most recent ex-boyfriend) and I had a very honest discussion about what it would take for a threesome to happen.  One main thing I see a lot in the threads on Reddit is that couples attempting to have a threesome need to be very comfortable with each other and have PREDETERMINED RULES.

My rules included:

*Had to be someone we were not good friends with, as I assumed this would lead to awkwardness later.

*Everyone had to mostly focus on me: I know this sounds selfish, but even though I find women attractive I don’t particularly like to touch them.  This rule was also in place so that X wouldn’t focus too much on the other girl, preventing me from getting too jealous.

*There was to be NO PENETRATION of the other woman by X.  Kissing and touching seemed fine to me, but the act of intercourse seemed to border too much on cheating for me.

Now, in my head I didn’t think a threesome with X and I would ever actually happen, as we weren’t really the type to introduce ourselves to strangers in the bar or look online for potential 3rd parties.

Life goes on, time passes, and one night several friends, X, and I are drinking at X’s apartment.  I will admit, I was completely wasted.  The party started to clear out and one thing lead to another and suddenly I was making out with one of our mutual female friends.  After a pretty sexy make out session I told our friend she could share the bed with X and I so she didn’t have to sleep on the couch.

We all piled into X’s bed and began making out with each other again.  Pretty soon everyone was naked and I was thoroughly enjoying myself.  Our friend knew what she was doing in the pleasure department that’s for sure.  In the heat of the moment I urged X to go ahead and fuck our friend, though after a minute he stopped, telling me later that he was unsure how I would feel about it in the morning.

This is a really good example of how even the best laid plans go awry... in the heat of the moment I wanted X to break a rule, but thankfully he was aware enough of my feelings to make a better judgement call and to ultimately follow the rules.  He was right, I would have been pissed the next day.  I am incredibly grateful he behaved the way he did.

As for not sleeping with someone we knew.... Oops.  Thankfully, our friend had had similar adventures before and knew how to be an adult about it.  It wasn’t awkward at all the next few times we all hung out.  

There were even some inside jokes/secret looks passed between all of us that confused other members of our friend circle occasionally.  Overall I am happy that she is the one it happened with, as it would have been a disaster with anyone else.  So pick your 3rd party carefully!

I know what some of you may be thinking - It had to have effected our relationship somehow...

You’d be absolutely right.  It did put a strain on our relationship.  X had ideas about how the experience could have been improved upon (he was so worried about how I would react the next day he didn’t fully enjoy the experience).  He occasionally mentioned trying again and since I wasn’t really interested it got annoying extremely fast.

There were also brief periods of time when I would become insecure and we would fight; sometimes bringing our female friend’s name into it, even though she was not at fault in any way.

Long story short, even if you are extremely prepared and have all the rules in place and think you’re in the most comfortable secure relationship on the planet, something will invariably not go according to plan.  

Do I regret doing it?  Nope.  It was an extremely enjoyable experience.

Would I do it again?  Nope.  Not with a S.O. anyway ;)

Stay tuned for Threesomes Part 2 and discuss your experiences below!

Heartbreak

As I sat at my computer this evening I could tell something didn’t feel quite right.  Maybe it was that it was growing dark outside, or perhaps it had something to do with the somber music I was listening to... but I’ll admit I was feeling lonely and sad.  Pinterest usually perks me right up so I logged on to the website.  There is just something about the motivational photos, recipes, and DIY projects that really cheers a person up.

It has been a while since I cleaned up and reorganized my boards, so that’s where I started.  My chest started to ache when I glanced over my wedding board.  Knowing it wouldn’t be a good idea I double clicked and started scrolling through all the beautiful images of the perfect fall wedding I had been planning.

No, I was never engaged, but my previous boyfriend and I had been rather serious.  We had been living together right before the split and had even discussed rings at one point.  Every woman has a wedding board on their pinterest account.  Naturally as my relationship grew I began pinning things that incorporated his style and favorite colors with mine.  Tears started to form as I sat staring at the bouquet/boutonniere set I knew he would have loved.

Disappointment swelled within me.  I had planned a life with this man.  Many of the items on my dream home board were also things we had talked about incorporating into our home.  I thought back to a video by Matthew Hussey I had watched a month ago about heartbreak.

In the video Matthew discusses the two places pain like this stems from:

1. Believing this person was your soulmate and you have now lost them forever.  You’ll     be hurt for a long time because you think they were THE ONE.
2. You realize this isn’t you losing your soulmate, just being disappointed because this particular person didn’t turn out to be THE ONE. 

Someone had asked me about two months after this last boyfriend and I broke up why I didn’t seem more upset.  They thought it was strange that I had seemingly moved on so quickly.  I really believe that it was because I recognized that he wasn’t THE ONLY one for me.  Yes I was sad and disappointed the relationship wasn’t what I thought it was, but I was ready to move on to find the right relationship.

Watch the video and send it to anyone you think might benefit from seeing it.

Keep in mind that you’ll probably have some bad days just like I am tonight.  It’s important to remember, however, that there will be plenty of good ones as well. :)

The Beginning: It takes time

        Serial Monogamist: one who spends as little time as possible being single, moving from one relationship to another as quickly as possible - urban dictionary.

This describes exactly who i’ve been from the time I was 16 till now.  My relationships defined who I was.  An ex once pointed this out to me but it took me two more serious long term relationships before I finally allowed myself to agree with him.

I was never single for more than a few months and didn’t know how to be alone.  Some may say I still don’t know how to be single, as I’m actively pursuing dates currently.  Andrew, author of The Rules Revisited makes a great point that we (both men and women) should not waste our most eligible years.  I’ll write more about that later, but what I want you to take away is this: actively dating isn’t wrong.  There is a difference between being a serial monogamist (relationship hopping) and dating.

For example, I used to be the type to rush into relationships.  Dating someone for a week?  Awesome.  Make it officially exclusive and be stuck in the relationship for 6+ months because you’re too scared to move on even when you know it isn’t working.

Yeah bro... I don't think it's working

However, self improvement takes time.  I’ve already caught myself going on multiple dates with people I’m not particularly interested in just because I, like everyone else, enjoy the feeling of being wanted.

This blog will mostly be an outlet for me to document how i’m taking other how-to blogs and applying them to real life.  Keep in mind that, as Andrew says in one of his posts, that no single thing is going to make or break a situation.  The goal should be to make gradual improvements while continuing to be the best version of you.  If all goes well, the best version of me in a few years will be vastly different than the best version of me now. 

So relax, don’t be so hard on yourself.  Self-improvement takes time.  They say it takes 21 days to make/break a habit so start with that.  Focus on steady improvement.  You’ll only get better with time!

Introduction: You are responsible

        I woke up with a heavy heart, too sad to get out of bed.  The previous night had ended with me breaking up with my long term boyfriend with whom I had thought I was going to move to a new state with just a week prior.

My phone beeps - a message from a friend asking what I would be doing that day.  After a brief rehash of the last 24 hours I’m told to get up and out of bed.  We’re all going to a movie.  The next 8 hours are hazy... I remember my friends being comforting, listening to me cry and whine about how it wasn’t fair for him to do this to me.  It was decided that the best plan of action would be to get totally dressed up and go out on the town.

That night I started out thinking the same way most 20 somethings think when they have just broken up with someone - no one is ever going to love me again; I’m not attractive.  I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or how awesome of an influence my friends are but at one point I actually started enjoying myself.  

I only wish I had moves like this

      I let go.  I went out on the dance floor by myself where I learned the second most important lesson of the night - I was still desirable.

A man I had never met before kissed me that night.  Now I don’t know if it was because we had both had a few too many or any number of other reasons.  The point I want you all to take away is this - just because one man no longer wants you does not mean no one ever will.

Take a look at this post: http://www.rooshv.com/before-sex-after-sex

The author, Roosh, makes this point that everyone in their 20s should learn sooner rather than later:

“Instead of working towards real change to increase their value, most twenty-somethings instead whine about how life isn’t fair and how bad their luck is, as if there is a concerted effort by the overlords of our universe to keep them single and unhappy. 
You are responsible for your romantic happiness, and no one else. If there is a problem then get off your ass and do something about it, no matter how many years it takes to solve.”

That was 4 months ago and since then i’ve been working on improving myself not just emotionally but physically.  Several people have asked me to record my journey through blogging, with links to the resources I have been using for advice.  This will mostly be an account of how several “how to” blogs have worked - or in some cases - not worked for me (your average 20 something college student).

I am taking ownership of my romantic happiness, something that I have never done before.  I hope you enjoy reading about my adventures... i’m sure there will be many hilarious failures as well as inspiring success stories.