DTR: Defining the relationship

From what I understand it is human nature to want to define and understand the relationships around us.  It comes as no shock then that when it comes to our personal relationships we want to slap a label on them as soon as possible.  Today I was reading an article by Suzie, author of The Single Dating Diva, in which she discusses defining relationships and if it is even really necessary.

Suzie points out that many college age and young professionals don’t seem to be that eager to define the relationship.  I’ve noticed this trend mostly with my male friends.  When asked about the women they are seeing they reply that they are just ‘hanging out’ and ‘seeing where it goes’.  From female friends I usually hear that they’re ‘just talking’, ‘seeing each other’, or ‘dating, but not exclusively’.

Almost every woman I talk to undoubtedly wants to define the relationship but most are too scared of pushing the man away.  Understandable, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

From my own experiences I’ve learned that just approaching the subject of DTR puts pressure on whatever is between the two parties.  This is unavoidable... so GET OVER IT.

What you should be focusing on is how to make the whole talk a pleasant experience.  

But the talk usually goes something like this.

*Remember that it’s not just your feelings on the line, but your partner’s as well. 

*Wait for the right moment - right before you meet your friends for dinner probably isn’t the best choice.

*Don’t assume anything

*Arguing won’t help.  If it’s not the answer you were hoping for ask for clarification but don’t counter.

Now this is very important:

If your partner is the one wanting to DTR for the love of all that is holy don’t lead them on.  If you’re not really feeling a relationship with them don’t sugar coat it.  You’re not doing either of you any favors by continuing to see each other when you’re not prepared to take things to the next level eventually.  Keeping your partner around ‘just in case’ is inconsiderate. 

I am notorious for jumping the gun when it comes to DTR.  I wanted to keep things really casual at the beginning of my relationship with X but ended up officially labeling us three weeks after starting to see each other.  The same happened with Ray recently and the resulting pressure was one of our biggest downfalls.

Unfortunately I think defining the relationship is necessary.  Personally I’d go crazy after a few weeks of not knowing exactly where I stand with someone.  Thankfully i’m getting better at being patient and letting things happen more naturally.

Woah bro... lets slow things down a bit

“Taking responsibility for your relationships is a sign of maturity.  It’s a sign that your life is moving forward.  When you spend a lot of time with someone, share your life with them, share your ups and downs with them, when you talk every day, when they are constantly on your mind, when they make you happy and bring something positive into your life why not define it?” 

- Suzie A. Author of Single Dating Diva

What do you think? DTR: Necessary or no?

The Beginning: It takes time

        Serial Monogamist: one who spends as little time as possible being single, moving from one relationship to another as quickly as possible - urban dictionary.

This describes exactly who i’ve been from the time I was 16 till now.  My relationships defined who I was.  An ex once pointed this out to me but it took me two more serious long term relationships before I finally allowed myself to agree with him.

I was never single for more than a few months and didn’t know how to be alone.  Some may say I still don’t know how to be single, as I’m actively pursuing dates currently.  Andrew, author of The Rules Revisited makes a great point that we (both men and women) should not waste our most eligible years.  I’ll write more about that later, but what I want you to take away is this: actively dating isn’t wrong.  There is a difference between being a serial monogamist (relationship hopping) and dating.

For example, I used to be the type to rush into relationships.  Dating someone for a week?  Awesome.  Make it officially exclusive and be stuck in the relationship for 6+ months because you’re too scared to move on even when you know it isn’t working.

Yeah bro... I don't think it's working

However, self improvement takes time.  I’ve already caught myself going on multiple dates with people I’m not particularly interested in just because I, like everyone else, enjoy the feeling of being wanted.

This blog will mostly be an outlet for me to document how i’m taking other how-to blogs and applying them to real life.  Keep in mind that, as Andrew says in one of his posts, that no single thing is going to make or break a situation.  The goal should be to make gradual improvements while continuing to be the best version of you.  If all goes well, the best version of me in a few years will be vastly different than the best version of me now. 

So relax, don’t be so hard on yourself.  Self-improvement takes time.  They say it takes 21 days to make/break a habit so start with that.  Focus on steady improvement.  You’ll only get better with time!