Casual Dating

I’ve wanted to try casually dating several people at once for quite a while now.  While i’ve gone on multiple dates in a single week I always decide I don’t particularly want to see the men in question again.  This tends to put an immediate end to my casual dating streak.

When Ray and I were first talking about dating I was hoping I would finally get my chance.  Here was someone that I could see myself dating for a while who theoretically wouldn’t mind if I was seeing other people at the same time.

Unfortunately I didn’t have any other offers on the table at the time, therefore turning a casual dating scenario into an exclusive one.

Maybe someday I’ll have the opportunity, but until then let me know how it has been going for you!

Leave a comment or message me with your casual dating stories!

Open Up

Many of my female friends have recently asked for my secret when it comes to encouraging men to approach me at the bar.  According to them men apparently seem to flock to me when we are out.

During one conversation in particular my friend and I were sitting at the bar and she was complaining about men and the fact they never seemed interested in approaching her.

Taking a quick note of our body language in that moment I saw immediately what the problem was.  We were both slouching with our torsos directed towards the bartender.  We could have been the hottest girls in the room but if I were a man looking for some action I wouldn't go anywhere near that scene... it's just asking to be rejected.

Not only did we have poor body language, but there were no openings in the crowd for an interested man to approach.

A good rule of thumb is to keep your torso facing outward, that way you can make eye contact with anyone you may be interested in.  

Graphic: The Rules Revisited

Fixing my posture and turning my body out towards the crowd I began to scan the room for potentials.  Personally frustrated with various other things in my life I decided to focus on being a good wing-woman.

One man I noticed kept looking in our direction, so I decided to draw him in.  After several moments of prolonged eye contact he made his way over to us.  After introductions were made and the conversation seemed like it was heading in a good direction I excused myself to the ladies room. (Girls take note, to be a good wing-woman you need to make sure to give your friend some alone time every once in a while, this gives the man the opportunity to ask for her number later in the conversation.)

By changing my body language the prospective man was able to easily join the conversation.

On another occasion my friend Iris acted as the perfect wing-woman.  She had been drinking at the bar and had started a conversation with two guys as they had come up to buy a drink.  She summoned me over and proceeded to introduce me, giving a relevant piece of information about my hobbies that included me in the conversation that was already happening.  She made it super easy for me to join by rotating her back to the bar, including all four of us in the 'circle'.

Iris and two prospects

It is important to note that you should avoid the 'circle' if at all possible when you are out trying to meet people.  I know you've all seen the groups of 4 or more girls out at the bar, heads bowed towards each other or dancing in a circle.  This is super intimidating to outsiders trying to introduce themselves.  And these girls wonder why no one talks to them all night....

For example:  Several weeks ago I was out with two good friends.  I made sure that we sat at the bar with an opening between us all.  We were still close enough to hear each other but there was an obvious opening for someone to approach and talk to either of my friends.

Having open body language however will not automatically draw people to you.  I've come to learn that just being approachable is not enough for some men.  I mean, let's face it, rejection is tough for everyone right?

Here is what usually works for me:

1.  Make eye contact.  For at least 10 seconds. 

(not all at once... don't be creepy now) 

You can look away and back holding for a few seconds at a time.

Yikes...

2.  Smile... naturally

Andrew makes a good note that smiling isn't always a good thing as forcing a smile often looks awkward.  I tend to do a half smile while averting my eyes for a moment before glancing back.

3.  If these steps don't work I usually move on.  Or if i'm really interested I keep an eye out for when he goes to order another drink and make my way towards the bar at the same time.

Initiating conversations with people while waiting to order a drink is probably the easiest way to meet people at the bar!  I tell all of my male friends to introduce themselves to every woman who stands next to them to order.  It's good practice and you never know, you might end up liking them!

Another extremely important lesson i've learned since December is that you should never pass up an opportunity to practice your game.  The night of the last example the male to female ratio was ridiculous.  I wasn't feeling particularly sexy or even interested in any of the men but I knew it was important to practice making eye contact with people, and since there were so many men to choose from it was a perfect night for target practice.

I chose my victim and followed my usual pattern and he surprised us all by immediately coming over to introduce himself.  

While this doesn't always happen i'd say 3 out of 5 attempts end in at least a short conversation.

It's important to remember in these instances that you shouldn't take it personally if after a few minutes a man walks away without asking for your number.   Just remember that it was good practice and move on to the next guy.

Hopefully these examples will help next time you're out at the bar!

As always feel free to comment/discuss how some of these tricks have worked for you! 

Hindsight is 20/20

I would like to apologize in advance to all my readers trying to put events into chronological order while reading.  Thus far I’ve been writing as things pop into my head, or writing for my friends, knowing what sort of situations they are currently going through and how my words might help.  Now I’m in the process of going back and filling in the gaps - something I’d like to avoid in the future.  Please be patient with me!

On to the good stuff...

Jordan and I had quickly become friends on facebook after meeting at our mutual friend’s party and had a few IM conversations before he finally asked for my number one evening.  Several days later he invited me to meet him and some of his friends at a bar.

I ended up having a really nice time, even though I went into the evening only knowing two people.  Jordan was really laid back; initially staying by my side and introduced me to everyone he knew.  Gradually as I became more comfortable he mingled with his friends and left me to my own devices, occasionally catching my eye across the room to make sure I was still doing ok.  I really appreciate this characteristic in a man - knowing when to leave me alone (if I’m involved in a conversation) and when to rescue me (in the event i’m obviously bored)

As the gathering started to dissipate I turned to Jordan to let him know I was leaving and he caught me really off guard by asking if I wanted to come home with him.

I would like to start by saying that while I liked what I had seen of Jordan’s personality at this point I still wasn’t sure what category I was hoping he would fall into (boyfriend material, friend, friend with benefits).

That being said, I ended up going back to his place.  We went into his room under the pretense of watching a movie (yeah right...) and made ourselves comfortable.

Before I knew it we were making out.  Originally I didn’t want to sleep with him, knowing that I still didn’t know what category to put him in.  

Reminder: It’s important not to sleep with someone on the ‘first date’ if you’re hoping for a relationship.

Even though I knew full well that I should have ended the evening at that point, I also felt like I didn’t know how to turn him down since we had already started fooling around.  Several days later I found a post from another blog outlining exactly how to handle this situation... Isn’t that how life always works?

As I’m sure you can guess, we ended up having sex.  I really enjoyed it; he knew just how to balance treating me as a lady but taking me like a man.  If you’ve never experienced this let me break it down for you:

*He spent a good amount of time getting to know my body

*Took his time kissing/caressing

*Wasn’t selfish 

*Knew when to be firm ;)

*Wasn’t afraid to be a little rougher/more passionate at times

He initiated post-sex cuddling, and even adjusted the pillows in the middle of the night when he realized I had rolled off of them (he doesn’t know I woke up when this happened).

The next morning we went to breakfast, had an easy and playful conversation, did a little shopping and then went our separate ways.

Of course I told my good friend Iris about it right away... because we girls gossip like that.  

(ok... I wouldn't go that far...)

One of her first questions included, “when/are you going to text him later?”

The answer to that my friends is no.  Generally it is a good idea to let the man initiate contact in the early stages of any relationship so I decided to wait it out.

So naturally I was thrilled when he sent a text later in the day asking how I was and if I had enjoyed myself the previous evening.  At this point I was hooked.  Based on what I had seen of his personality I wished I hadn’t slept with him so early.  Knowing that it’s very difficult to go from hook-up to relationship I set my sights on hopefully turning the this into a stable friends with benefits situation.

This of course didn’t end up happening, and even though i’m disappointed I don’t necessarily regret anything.  We still see each other/talk regularly and I can now learn from my mistakes.

The take way:

*If you want a relationship, don’t have sex until you have some kind of commitment.

*In the event of putting yourself in a situation where sex is imminent:

*Make your intentions clear (you won’t sleep with him...tonight)

*Without interruptions firmly guide away his hands

*Repeat that you don’t want to go there... yet

Feel free to discuss your similar situations below in the comments!

Stalemate

A few weeks ago I found myself in a bookstore with one of my good friends browsing through the self-help section.  Spying a small book about online dating I picked it up and started to flip through it.  One section jumped right out at me - how many messages you should exchange before moving on.

The basic concept is that after about 5 messages an online conversation turns pretty stale.  You run out of things to talk about and at this point the man should either ask to see you, or you should cut your losses and move on.

While this may seem like a harsh limit to some of you (probably those who have never tried online dating) it is completely true.  Do you believe in fate?  Because that day I had just sent my 15th reply to Mitch, a guy with whom I had started talking to a few weeks prior.  Our conversation hadn’t slowed at this point, but I did find myself more and more disappointed by his lack of invitation to meet.

So when Mitch replied later that day I left it alone, telling myself that I could always go back and message him later.

Fast forward a week and a half.  Systematically going through and deleting some of my old messages I see that I never responded to Mitch!  I hadn’t intentionally ignored his message for so long, and I felt guilty for passing on someone who seemed really interesting.  I decided to compromise - I messaged him but kept it short.

BAM!  Mitch’s next message was a perfectly crafted invitation to meet up that weekend for a late dessert at a cafe we had talked about in previous messages.

 

What?  Don't tell me you never act like this after a long awaited message...

On the surface it turned out to be the perfect date.  Our conversation felt natural and there were no awkward pauses.  Unfortunately I was not as attracted to him in person as I had been to the idea of him (his pictures, and the way he came through via messages).

Finally the date came to a good stopping point and I casually mentioned that my friends were waiting at a local bar for me to join them.  This turned out to be a mistake, as he proceeded to ask if he could tag along.

Thankfully he was extremely low maintenance at the bar, something I appreciate immensely!  There is nothing worse than needing to babysit your friends/significant other to help them feel included.

Although I felt a little guilty about it later, Mitch’s low maintenance approach allowed me to mingle and practice flirting with several other men who turned up at the bar.  

Never one to miss an opportunity to fine-tune my game I engaged in a playful conversation with an attractive gentleman (Nick) and his friend (Aaron)... both of whom I ended up taking home later that evening (don’t worry, Mitch had gone home long before the flirting became too intense).

This would be a good time to point out that while many of the sites and books I reference have great advice, it is important to tailor each 'rule' to your own needs.  While I think moving on after several messages is a good idea, in this case replying kept me from being held back by wondering what could have happened.  At least now I know!

Not your average game of Jenga

I’ve been reading a lot about stacking dates on various blogs lately.  For those of you who have no experience it goes something like this:

*Invite girl 1 on date say... 7pm for dinner

*Invite girl 2 out for drinks... 9pm

*If girl 1 is a total snoozefest end date early and move on

*If girl 1 is awesome, blow off girl 2

Many of the folks who follow these blogs have commented on that post about how successful this technique has been for them.  The author himself says that this always leads to hooking up with one of the women he sees in a day.  So I decided to try it out for myself.  

Several weeks prior I had met Jordan at a mutual friend’s party.  He was charming, attractive, and seemed to be a pretty good guy.  We went out a week after meeting and I had been searching for a reason to see him again.  After several failed attempts he was finally free to attend a party with me last Friday night.  The only problem?  I had agreed to a 2nd date with Mitch that same night.

No big deal, I’ll stack the date I said to myself.  Dinner with Mitch at 6 and head to the party with Jordan around 9.  I felt all the same things several date stackers do... calm, like if something went wrong with Mitch it wasn’t a big deal, since I felt like I was in high demand.  I did feel incredibly guilty however, when at the end of dinner Mitch asked if I wanted to have drinks at a local bar we both had expressed interest in trying.  I’ll be honest, I told a half-truth.  I said I was going to a party, but told him it was girls night.  Although disappointed, he was persistent and said perhaps we could go sometime later the next week (we never did).

Although I knew I wasn’t particularly interested in seeing Mitch again, I would still call it a successful date.  Seeing Jordan however, was the part of the evening I was particularly excited about.  I was hoping that the night would end the same way it did the last time we saw each other.  

Mistake 1: You probably shouldn’t talk about other people you’re dating in front of another date. While at the party, Jordan overheard a friend of mine ask how my date earlier in the evening had gone.  

Mistake 2: Don’t ask about the other people the guy is dating.  I tried to recover the situation, but before I could Jordan mentioned he too had been on a date earlier in the week.  I couldn’t help myself, I asked how his date went.  As i’m sure most of you have felt at one point in time I was torn between wanting to know and not wanting to hear the details.  I heard the worst news possible - that it had gone well and he would probably see her again.

While he could have just been saying this to make himself seem more desirable it immediately changed my motives.  I no longer wanted to pursue him because 

A: I was hurt that he didn’t think of taking me on a date

B: I thought of myself as ‘the other woman’ even though they weren’t exclusive

I ended up going home alone that night, and even though I was disappointed I was happy with my decision to see both men on the same evening.  That being said, please please please do not take this post as an endorsement to stack dates all the time.  I would never recommend fully following the date stacking technique (blowing off the second girl if the first is more interesting).  How would you feel after all if you learned the reason your last date never showed was because someone was more interesting than you?  Feel free to use this technique as a reason to keep the dates short and sweet, but try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. 

Don't let your dates find out they were stacked...

How do you feel about stacking?  Share your success (or failure) stories below.