Serial Monogamist: one who spends as little time as possible being single, moving from one relationship to another as quickly as possible - urban dictionary.
This describes exactly who i’ve been from the time I was 16 till now. My relationships defined who I was. An ex once pointed this out to me but it took me two more serious long term relationships before I finally allowed myself to agree with him.
I was never single for more than a few months and didn’t know how to be alone. Some may say I still don’t know how to be single, as I’m actively pursuing dates currently. Andrew, author of The Rules Revisited makes a great point that we (both men and women) should not waste our most eligible years. I’ll write more about that later, but what I want you to take away is this: actively dating isn’t wrong. There is a difference between being a serial monogamist (relationship hopping) and dating.
For example, I used to be the type to rush into relationships. Dating someone for a week? Awesome. Make it officially exclusive and be stuck in the relationship for 6+ months because you’re too scared to move on even when you know it isn’t working.
Yeah bro... I don't think it's working
However, self improvement takes time. I’ve already caught myself going on multiple dates with people I’m not particularly interested in just because I, like everyone else, enjoy the feeling of being wanted.
This blog will mostly be an outlet for me to document how i’m taking other how-to blogs and applying them to real life. Keep in mind that, as Andrew says in one of his posts, that no single thing is going to make or break a situation. The goal should be to make gradual improvements while continuing to be the best version of you. If all goes well, the best version of me in a few years will be vastly different than the best version of me now.
So relax, don’t be so hard on yourself. Self-improvement takes time. They say it takes 21 days to make/break a habit so start with that. Focus on steady improvement. You’ll only get better with time!
You know, I had been thinking about this for a while now, and I am also a serial monogamist... but not by choice necessarily. For the last 16 years, I have been in relationships, albeit, only 3. First one when I was 16 lasted 3 years-ish, then I was single for about a year and a half. Second lasted 5 years, then single for about a year. The third, and current, will be 6 years in May. I HAVE ONLY BEEN SINGLE FOR LESS THAN 3 YEARS OF MY ADULT LIFE (I'm only 32 BTW)!?! All my boyfriends just sort of showed up. I was never a dater. Dates make me nervous and place undue expectations on the already stressful beginning of meeting someone new... I prefer the term "hang out." In all that time, my one wish is that I was single more. Not because I didn't love my boyfriends, but because I felt like it was easier to take care of them and love them than it was to do that with myself. That is my constant internal struggle: to take care of me first. Sure, it is awesome to look at someone and know they love you for you, faults and all; your heart swells and you are happy. But that happiness is incomplete without self love. Basically, what I have learned is that 1) You can never have too many friends to "hang out" with, and it is way more fun than a conventional date. 2) Timing IS everything. You have to be right with yourself before you can ever hope to find happiness with someone else. They can be awesome, but if you are not feeling awesome yourself then it will never work. 3)The concept of THE ONE is different for everyone but will most certainly change for you as you get older. I have had the soul wrenching, can't-eat-without-you, butterflies all over, my heart is yours kind of love... AND IT SUCKED! I missed me that whole time and I now loathe co-dependancy. It did help, however, that he was not a good person and he was also a self hater. He wasn't a bad guy, but everything about him ended up being my worst nightmare. I made a choice not to let anyone have that much control over me and I have been happier ever since. My boyfriend now is awesome and the most annoying man I have ever met. He challenges me to be a better person, pushes me to do the things I love because he knows I am scared and he wants me to be happy, doesn't baby me, has the disgusting personal habits of a 15 yr old boy, smiles with his whole heart, has never met a stranger, snores like a bear, elbows me in the face when he sleeps, and wants to kiss in the morning with the worst morning breath. We have issues, but I have never wanted to fight with someone more (because the make up is awesome). The bad times are bad but the good times are so great that they outweigh the bad by A LOT. He still makes me swoon with his kisses. I knew him for 3 years before we started dating and I never in a million years thought that I wanted to go out with him. Like most great love stories, it just happened when I least expected it. And if I changed one thing about my experiences so far, I might never have gotten here :) I would never have said this in my early 20's, but even if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't change anything.
ReplyDeleteDON'T REGRET, DON'T WORRY. BE YOURSELF AND HAVE FUN. You WILL go exactly where you need to go in this life if you can remember those things ;)
Thank you for your comment! I'm so glad you've found someone who treats you the way you deserve and still challenges you to be a better person. It's funny you mention the idea of THE ONE, as I posted recently about this idea - http://coaserialmonogamist.blogspot.com/2013/04/as-i-sat-at-my-computer-this-evening-i.html
DeleteThank you again for your kind words and I hope you continue to enjoy the blog!