Threesomes Part 1

It seems to be every guy’s fantasy.  A girl invites a man back to her place where he is introduced to her hot roommate.  The two girls begin to touch each other and proceed to invite the man to join them.  A threesome ensues, good times are had by all and the male is able to leave in the morning - no strings attached and able to brag to his friends later that very day.  This risque topic is discussed in embarrassed tones between female friends, many of them saying they would be too insecure or protective of the man to let in another woman.  I have seen many r/askreddit and r/sex threads devoted to the topic.  Many questions include tips for a successful threesome or asking for stories from adventuresome folks who have experienced them.

Below I may go into some pretty detailed descriptions of my experiences with this topic, so if you don’t want to hear about it then stop reading!  This content is not suitable for all ages.

I have always been pretty aware and open with my sexual likes and dislikes, so it was not out of the ordinary for my significant other and I to discuss different fantasies we would like to play out.  As mentioned above, one fantasy that was usually on his mind was that of a threesome.  

To all you ladies out there who assume this should be offensive - it’s not!  

A threesome fantasy is not always about wanting to sleep with other people.  

Do not allow yourself to think you’re not good enough to continually please your S.O.  Men often see girl on girl action in porn and think it’s the hottest thing ever (they’re not alone, I too enjoy a little girl/girl visual stimuli every once in a while).

Imagine you’re a man...I ask you - wouldn’t it be super hot to see your girlfriend being pleasured by another woman right in front of you?  Wouldn’t it be EVEN HOTTER if you were able to join in?  This is why this particular fantasy is so common.

So X (my most recent ex-boyfriend) and I had a very honest discussion about what it would take for a threesome to happen.  One main thing I see a lot in the threads on Reddit is that couples attempting to have a threesome need to be very comfortable with each other and have PREDETERMINED RULES.

My rules included:

*Had to be someone we were not good friends with, as I assumed this would lead to awkwardness later.

*Everyone had to mostly focus on me: I know this sounds selfish, but even though I find women attractive I don’t particularly like to touch them.  This rule was also in place so that X wouldn’t focus too much on the other girl, preventing me from getting too jealous.

*There was to be NO PENETRATION of the other woman by X.  Kissing and touching seemed fine to me, but the act of intercourse seemed to border too much on cheating for me.

Now, in my head I didn’t think a threesome with X and I would ever actually happen, as we weren’t really the type to introduce ourselves to strangers in the bar or look online for potential 3rd parties.

Life goes on, time passes, and one night several friends, X, and I are drinking at X’s apartment.  I will admit, I was completely wasted.  The party started to clear out and one thing lead to another and suddenly I was making out with one of our mutual female friends.  After a pretty sexy make out session I told our friend she could share the bed with X and I so she didn’t have to sleep on the couch.

We all piled into X’s bed and began making out with each other again.  Pretty soon everyone was naked and I was thoroughly enjoying myself.  Our friend knew what she was doing in the pleasure department that’s for sure.  In the heat of the moment I urged X to go ahead and fuck our friend, though after a minute he stopped, telling me later that he was unsure how I would feel about it in the morning.

This is a really good example of how even the best laid plans go awry... in the heat of the moment I wanted X to break a rule, but thankfully he was aware enough of my feelings to make a better judgement call and to ultimately follow the rules.  He was right, I would have been pissed the next day.  I am incredibly grateful he behaved the way he did.

As for not sleeping with someone we knew.... Oops.  Thankfully, our friend had had similar adventures before and knew how to be an adult about it.  It wasn’t awkward at all the next few times we all hung out.  

There were even some inside jokes/secret looks passed between all of us that confused other members of our friend circle occasionally.  Overall I am happy that she is the one it happened with, as it would have been a disaster with anyone else.  So pick your 3rd party carefully!

I know what some of you may be thinking - It had to have effected our relationship somehow...

You’d be absolutely right.  It did put a strain on our relationship.  X had ideas about how the experience could have been improved upon (he was so worried about how I would react the next day he didn’t fully enjoy the experience).  He occasionally mentioned trying again and since I wasn’t really interested it got annoying extremely fast.

There were also brief periods of time when I would become insecure and we would fight; sometimes bringing our female friend’s name into it, even though she was not at fault in any way.

Long story short, even if you are extremely prepared and have all the rules in place and think you’re in the most comfortable secure relationship on the planet, something will invariably not go according to plan.  

Do I regret doing it?  Nope.  It was an extremely enjoyable experience.

Would I do it again?  Nope.  Not with a S.O. anyway ;)

Stay tuned for Threesomes Part 2 and discuss your experiences below!

Open Up

Many of my female friends have recently asked for my secret when it comes to encouraging men to approach me at the bar.  According to them men apparently seem to flock to me when we are out.

During one conversation in particular my friend and I were sitting at the bar and she was complaining about men and the fact they never seemed interested in approaching her.

Taking a quick note of our body language in that moment I saw immediately what the problem was.  We were both slouching with our torsos directed towards the bartender.  We could have been the hottest girls in the room but if I were a man looking for some action I wouldn't go anywhere near that scene... it's just asking to be rejected.

Not only did we have poor body language, but there were no openings in the crowd for an interested man to approach.

A good rule of thumb is to keep your torso facing outward, that way you can make eye contact with anyone you may be interested in.  

Graphic: The Rules Revisited

Fixing my posture and turning my body out towards the crowd I began to scan the room for potentials.  Personally frustrated with various other things in my life I decided to focus on being a good wing-woman.

One man I noticed kept looking in our direction, so I decided to draw him in.  After several moments of prolonged eye contact he made his way over to us.  After introductions were made and the conversation seemed like it was heading in a good direction I excused myself to the ladies room. (Girls take note, to be a good wing-woman you need to make sure to give your friend some alone time every once in a while, this gives the man the opportunity to ask for her number later in the conversation.)

By changing my body language the prospective man was able to easily join the conversation.

On another occasion my friend Iris acted as the perfect wing-woman.  She had been drinking at the bar and had started a conversation with two guys as they had come up to buy a drink.  She summoned me over and proceeded to introduce me, giving a relevant piece of information about my hobbies that included me in the conversation that was already happening.  She made it super easy for me to join by rotating her back to the bar, including all four of us in the 'circle'.

Iris and two prospects

It is important to note that you should avoid the 'circle' if at all possible when you are out trying to meet people.  I know you've all seen the groups of 4 or more girls out at the bar, heads bowed towards each other or dancing in a circle.  This is super intimidating to outsiders trying to introduce themselves.  And these girls wonder why no one talks to them all night....

For example:  Several weeks ago I was out with two good friends.  I made sure that we sat at the bar with an opening between us all.  We were still close enough to hear each other but there was an obvious opening for someone to approach and talk to either of my friends.

Having open body language however will not automatically draw people to you.  I've come to learn that just being approachable is not enough for some men.  I mean, let's face it, rejection is tough for everyone right?

Here is what usually works for me:

1.  Make eye contact.  For at least 10 seconds. 

(not all at once... don't be creepy now) 

You can look away and back holding for a few seconds at a time.

Yikes...

2.  Smile... naturally

Andrew makes a good note that smiling isn't always a good thing as forcing a smile often looks awkward.  I tend to do a half smile while averting my eyes for a moment before glancing back.

3.  If these steps don't work I usually move on.  Or if i'm really interested I keep an eye out for when he goes to order another drink and make my way towards the bar at the same time.

Initiating conversations with people while waiting to order a drink is probably the easiest way to meet people at the bar!  I tell all of my male friends to introduce themselves to every woman who stands next to them to order.  It's good practice and you never know, you might end up liking them!

Another extremely important lesson i've learned since December is that you should never pass up an opportunity to practice your game.  The night of the last example the male to female ratio was ridiculous.  I wasn't feeling particularly sexy or even interested in any of the men but I knew it was important to practice making eye contact with people, and since there were so many men to choose from it was a perfect night for target practice.

I chose my victim and followed my usual pattern and he surprised us all by immediately coming over to introduce himself.  

While this doesn't always happen i'd say 3 out of 5 attempts end in at least a short conversation.

It's important to remember in these instances that you shouldn't take it personally if after a few minutes a man walks away without asking for your number.   Just remember that it was good practice and move on to the next guy.

Hopefully these examples will help next time you're out at the bar!

As always feel free to comment/discuss how some of these tricks have worked for you! 

Hindsight is 20/20

I would like to apologize in advance to all my readers trying to put events into chronological order while reading.  Thus far I’ve been writing as things pop into my head, or writing for my friends, knowing what sort of situations they are currently going through and how my words might help.  Now I’m in the process of going back and filling in the gaps - something I’d like to avoid in the future.  Please be patient with me!

On to the good stuff...

Jordan and I had quickly become friends on facebook after meeting at our mutual friend’s party and had a few IM conversations before he finally asked for my number one evening.  Several days later he invited me to meet him and some of his friends at a bar.

I ended up having a really nice time, even though I went into the evening only knowing two people.  Jordan was really laid back; initially staying by my side and introduced me to everyone he knew.  Gradually as I became more comfortable he mingled with his friends and left me to my own devices, occasionally catching my eye across the room to make sure I was still doing ok.  I really appreciate this characteristic in a man - knowing when to leave me alone (if I’m involved in a conversation) and when to rescue me (in the event i’m obviously bored)

As the gathering started to dissipate I turned to Jordan to let him know I was leaving and he caught me really off guard by asking if I wanted to come home with him.

I would like to start by saying that while I liked what I had seen of Jordan’s personality at this point I still wasn’t sure what category I was hoping he would fall into (boyfriend material, friend, friend with benefits).

That being said, I ended up going back to his place.  We went into his room under the pretense of watching a movie (yeah right...) and made ourselves comfortable.

Before I knew it we were making out.  Originally I didn’t want to sleep with him, knowing that I still didn’t know what category to put him in.  

Reminder: It’s important not to sleep with someone on the ‘first date’ if you’re hoping for a relationship.

Even though I knew full well that I should have ended the evening at that point, I also felt like I didn’t know how to turn him down since we had already started fooling around.  Several days later I found a post from another blog outlining exactly how to handle this situation... Isn’t that how life always works?

As I’m sure you can guess, we ended up having sex.  I really enjoyed it; he knew just how to balance treating me as a lady but taking me like a man.  If you’ve never experienced this let me break it down for you:

*He spent a good amount of time getting to know my body

*Took his time kissing/caressing

*Wasn’t selfish 

*Knew when to be firm ;)

*Wasn’t afraid to be a little rougher/more passionate at times

He initiated post-sex cuddling, and even adjusted the pillows in the middle of the night when he realized I had rolled off of them (he doesn’t know I woke up when this happened).

The next morning we went to breakfast, had an easy and playful conversation, did a little shopping and then went our separate ways.

Of course I told my good friend Iris about it right away... because we girls gossip like that.  

(ok... I wouldn't go that far...)

One of her first questions included, “when/are you going to text him later?”

The answer to that my friends is no.  Generally it is a good idea to let the man initiate contact in the early stages of any relationship so I decided to wait it out.

So naturally I was thrilled when he sent a text later in the day asking how I was and if I had enjoyed myself the previous evening.  At this point I was hooked.  Based on what I had seen of his personality I wished I hadn’t slept with him so early.  Knowing that it’s very difficult to go from hook-up to relationship I set my sights on hopefully turning the this into a stable friends with benefits situation.

This of course didn’t end up happening, and even though i’m disappointed I don’t necessarily regret anything.  We still see each other/talk regularly and I can now learn from my mistakes.

The take way:

*If you want a relationship, don’t have sex until you have some kind of commitment.

*In the event of putting yourself in a situation where sex is imminent:

*Make your intentions clear (you won’t sleep with him...tonight)

*Without interruptions firmly guide away his hands

*Repeat that you don’t want to go there... yet

Feel free to discuss your similar situations below in the comments!

Importance of healthy eating

You will soon begin to realize that I reference a blog titled The Rules Revisited quite often throughout my posts.  This blog, by a man named Andrew, is the site that really got me excited about changing my lifestyle.  A close friend of mine had sent me the original link a couple months ago and I ended up perusing the posts until 3 am! 

Disclaimer: some people don’t agree with many of his posts but if you look at them as an up front and honest example of the way men think you’ll enjoy them more. 

Remember, don’t be a sheep! Read, ponder, and apply as necessary.

One thing Andrew stresses is that beauty is controllable.  Attractiveness can be altered and a large factor is fitness, though apparently your shape is more important than your size.  Taking a look at myself I can see I would fall into the apple category according to this diagram:

(I carry weight in my upper body.  If you look like someone in the top/purple row, You're probably an apple too!)

With the right clothes and the proper fit (not to mention a push-up bra) I can give the illusion of an hour glass figure.  While enhancing my physical appearance this way works for now, I know there is always room for improvement!  I’ve started working out more and i'm trying to eat healthier.  This can be a challenge with my busy schedule and strict budget.

Healthy eating is a key component to fitness, which is something i’ve always known but have a hard time living by.  It’s way easier to swing by Wendy’s on the way to work than it is to prep a lunch in advance.  Fast food may be more convenient, but it’s not better for your wallet or waistline.  Let me break it down for you:

Average dinner at Wendy’s

Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Fries

Lemonade

970 Calories, $7

Lunch today at McDonalds

Premium Sweet Chili Chicken McWrap

Fries

Water

750 Calories, $3.80

1,720 Calories for just two meals.  Considering i’m trying to keep to 1,500 a day (not a strict calorie counter, but I am careful about my choices) that is just ridiculous!  Not to mention that’s roughly $10 for one day.  An average of $50 a week just for eating out.  I don’t know about you but I don’t have $200 to spend just on dining out each month.

If you take a look at my grocery haul today you’ll see that I bought ingredients for several meals as well as snacks.  These items combined with stuff I already have in my fridge/pantry will allow me to eat all week.  All for under $30.  Managing my money this way I can live on $120 for food a month - sometimes less since I don’t go shopping every week.

Example menu for this week:

Snacks:  Salsa and homemade chips, cucumbers, popcorn
Lunch:   BLT wraps w/ roasted tomatoes/garlic and spring mix instead of iceberg

             Salads made with leftover chicken from dinner recipes

Dinner:  Lemon baked chicken w/ quinoa and salad greens

              Bruschetta Chicken w/ broccoli and homemade bread

              Veggie stir fry (peppers, onions, broccoli, carrots) and rice

               Balsamic chicken w/peppers and quinoa

*Note that I had some of these items already.  Plan meals around what’s on sale and what you already have in your fridge!

This menu leaves room life’s little indulgences and I still feel good about myself.  Healthy eating can not only help you save money, but will help you slim down.  You’ll feel better, more energetic, and not to mention you’ll boost your attractiveness! 

Like i’ve said before I’m not perfect.  I’ll splurge on fast food or a dinner out with friends here and there.  I’ll be the first to admit i’m addicted to my Iced Caramel Machiatto from Starbucks.  The important thing to remember is I’m trying, and the proof can be seen in my wallet and waistline ;)

Heartbreak

As I sat at my computer this evening I could tell something didn’t feel quite right.  Maybe it was that it was growing dark outside, or perhaps it had something to do with the somber music I was listening to... but I’ll admit I was feeling lonely and sad.  Pinterest usually perks me right up so I logged on to the website.  There is just something about the motivational photos, recipes, and DIY projects that really cheers a person up.

It has been a while since I cleaned up and reorganized my boards, so that’s where I started.  My chest started to ache when I glanced over my wedding board.  Knowing it wouldn’t be a good idea I double clicked and started scrolling through all the beautiful images of the perfect fall wedding I had been planning.

No, I was never engaged, but my previous boyfriend and I had been rather serious.  We had been living together right before the split and had even discussed rings at one point.  Every woman has a wedding board on their pinterest account.  Naturally as my relationship grew I began pinning things that incorporated his style and favorite colors with mine.  Tears started to form as I sat staring at the bouquet/boutonniere set I knew he would have loved.

Disappointment swelled within me.  I had planned a life with this man.  Many of the items on my dream home board were also things we had talked about incorporating into our home.  I thought back to a video by Matthew Hussey I had watched a month ago about heartbreak.

In the video Matthew discusses the two places pain like this stems from:

1. Believing this person was your soulmate and you have now lost them forever.  You’ll     be hurt for a long time because you think they were THE ONE.
2. You realize this isn’t you losing your soulmate, just being disappointed because this particular person didn’t turn out to be THE ONE. 

Someone had asked me about two months after this last boyfriend and I broke up why I didn’t seem more upset.  They thought it was strange that I had seemingly moved on so quickly.  I really believe that it was because I recognized that he wasn’t THE ONLY one for me.  Yes I was sad and disappointed the relationship wasn’t what I thought it was, but I was ready to move on to find the right relationship.

Watch the video and send it to anyone you think might benefit from seeing it.

Keep in mind that you’ll probably have some bad days just like I am tonight.  It’s important to remember, however, that there will be plenty of good ones as well. :)

Stalemate

A few weeks ago I found myself in a bookstore with one of my good friends browsing through the self-help section.  Spying a small book about online dating I picked it up and started to flip through it.  One section jumped right out at me - how many messages you should exchange before moving on.

The basic concept is that after about 5 messages an online conversation turns pretty stale.  You run out of things to talk about and at this point the man should either ask to see you, or you should cut your losses and move on.

While this may seem like a harsh limit to some of you (probably those who have never tried online dating) it is completely true.  Do you believe in fate?  Because that day I had just sent my 15th reply to Mitch, a guy with whom I had started talking to a few weeks prior.  Our conversation hadn’t slowed at this point, but I did find myself more and more disappointed by his lack of invitation to meet.

So when Mitch replied later that day I left it alone, telling myself that I could always go back and message him later.

Fast forward a week and a half.  Systematically going through and deleting some of my old messages I see that I never responded to Mitch!  I hadn’t intentionally ignored his message for so long, and I felt guilty for passing on someone who seemed really interesting.  I decided to compromise - I messaged him but kept it short.

BAM!  Mitch’s next message was a perfectly crafted invitation to meet up that weekend for a late dessert at a cafe we had talked about in previous messages.

 

What?  Don't tell me you never act like this after a long awaited message...

On the surface it turned out to be the perfect date.  Our conversation felt natural and there were no awkward pauses.  Unfortunately I was not as attracted to him in person as I had been to the idea of him (his pictures, and the way he came through via messages).

Finally the date came to a good stopping point and I casually mentioned that my friends were waiting at a local bar for me to join them.  This turned out to be a mistake, as he proceeded to ask if he could tag along.

Thankfully he was extremely low maintenance at the bar, something I appreciate immensely!  There is nothing worse than needing to babysit your friends/significant other to help them feel included.

Although I felt a little guilty about it later, Mitch’s low maintenance approach allowed me to mingle and practice flirting with several other men who turned up at the bar.  

Never one to miss an opportunity to fine-tune my game I engaged in a playful conversation with an attractive gentleman (Nick) and his friend (Aaron)... both of whom I ended up taking home later that evening (don’t worry, Mitch had gone home long before the flirting became too intense).

This would be a good time to point out that while many of the sites and books I reference have great advice, it is important to tailor each 'rule' to your own needs.  While I think moving on after several messages is a good idea, in this case replying kept me from being held back by wondering what could have happened.  At least now I know!

Not your average game of Jenga

I’ve been reading a lot about stacking dates on various blogs lately.  For those of you who have no experience it goes something like this:

*Invite girl 1 on date say... 7pm for dinner

*Invite girl 2 out for drinks... 9pm

*If girl 1 is a total snoozefest end date early and move on

*If girl 1 is awesome, blow off girl 2

Many of the folks who follow these blogs have commented on that post about how successful this technique has been for them.  The author himself says that this always leads to hooking up with one of the women he sees in a day.  So I decided to try it out for myself.  

Several weeks prior I had met Jordan at a mutual friend’s party.  He was charming, attractive, and seemed to be a pretty good guy.  We went out a week after meeting and I had been searching for a reason to see him again.  After several failed attempts he was finally free to attend a party with me last Friday night.  The only problem?  I had agreed to a 2nd date with Mitch that same night.

No big deal, I’ll stack the date I said to myself.  Dinner with Mitch at 6 and head to the party with Jordan around 9.  I felt all the same things several date stackers do... calm, like if something went wrong with Mitch it wasn’t a big deal, since I felt like I was in high demand.  I did feel incredibly guilty however, when at the end of dinner Mitch asked if I wanted to have drinks at a local bar we both had expressed interest in trying.  I’ll be honest, I told a half-truth.  I said I was going to a party, but told him it was girls night.  Although disappointed, he was persistent and said perhaps we could go sometime later the next week (we never did).

Although I knew I wasn’t particularly interested in seeing Mitch again, I would still call it a successful date.  Seeing Jordan however, was the part of the evening I was particularly excited about.  I was hoping that the night would end the same way it did the last time we saw each other.  

Mistake 1: You probably shouldn’t talk about other people you’re dating in front of another date. While at the party, Jordan overheard a friend of mine ask how my date earlier in the evening had gone.  

Mistake 2: Don’t ask about the other people the guy is dating.  I tried to recover the situation, but before I could Jordan mentioned he too had been on a date earlier in the week.  I couldn’t help myself, I asked how his date went.  As i’m sure most of you have felt at one point in time I was torn between wanting to know and not wanting to hear the details.  I heard the worst news possible - that it had gone well and he would probably see her again.

While he could have just been saying this to make himself seem more desirable it immediately changed my motives.  I no longer wanted to pursue him because 

A: I was hurt that he didn’t think of taking me on a date

B: I thought of myself as ‘the other woman’ even though they weren’t exclusive

I ended up going home alone that night, and even though I was disappointed I was happy with my decision to see both men on the same evening.  That being said, please please please do not take this post as an endorsement to stack dates all the time.  I would never recommend fully following the date stacking technique (blowing off the second girl if the first is more interesting).  How would you feel after all if you learned the reason your last date never showed was because someone was more interesting than you?  Feel free to use this technique as a reason to keep the dates short and sweet, but try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. 

Don't let your dates find out they were stacked...

How do you feel about stacking?  Share your success (or failure) stories below.