A couple months ago I had just gotten home from having a couple drinks with Jake when I received a text from Nathan asking for a favor. Nathan and I met while attending a conference together 4 years ago. He was nice, funny, and easy to talk to so it’s no surprise that I developed a little crush on the guy. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to act on the crush as we were both dating other people at the time.
Years pass and we see each other occasionally on campus but don’t really hang out for longer than 10 minutes at a time. So when he asked for a favor this particular Friday night I had no problem lending my services as I was excited for an excuse to see him while he was in town (he had recently moved to the quad-cities).
Turns out the poor guy had lost his keys in one of the bars and by the time we reached them they were all closing down and told him to come back the next day. As I’m sure you can guess this led Nathan to ask to crash if he could crash on my couch.
Back at the apartment it didn’t take long for him to make a move. The situation had potential to go one of two ways:
It would turn into amazing no strings attached sex with a long time crush or I would be heavily disappointed in one way or another.
If you guess that it was an awful experience you’d be correct! Not only was he sloppy drunk - potentially inhibiting his ability to kiss decently but he also emitted a strange, high-pitched moan occasionally. The strangest part was that there was no reason for him to be moaning.
Uh... what...?
Once I realized he was going to be sloppy in bed I decided I was going to be selfish and just make out with him and if he wanted to still venture south of the border so be it. Granted he knew what he was doing with his hands but the moaning was a little distracting at times.
Don’t get me wrong; it can be incredibly sexy when a man sighs or groans occasionally when pleasuring me... I take it as a sign they are enjoying themselves. But this was the equivalent of those annoying girls in porn with their non-stop moaning and high-pitched voices telling you that yes: you are God’s gift to women (not..)
Did I feel a bit like a selfish bitch the next day? Yes. But I had made it very clear I didn’t want to have sex and I have a pretty strict policy against oral sex unless I really like the person. I feel it’s important to stay true to yourself and to not compromise your body if it’s not something you really want.
So there you have it. I imagined what it would be like to hook up with this guy for 4+ years only to be disappointed when the opportunity came. Bummer.
My question to you all is this: Have you ever gotten the opportunity to hook up with someone you’ve always wanted? Did it go well or was it a disaster like mine? I’d love to hear your stories!
I’ve wanted to try casually dating several people at once for quite a while now. While i’ve gone on multiple dates in a single week I always decide I don’t particularly want to see the men in question again. This tends to put an immediate end to my casual dating streak.
When Ray and I were first talking about dating I was hoping I would finally get my chance. Here was someone that I could see myself dating for a while who theoretically wouldn’t mind if I was seeing other people at the same time.
Unfortunately I didn’t have any other offers on the table at the time, therefore turning a casual dating scenario into an exclusive one.
Maybe someday I’ll have the opportunity, but until then let me know how it has been going for you!
Leave a comment or message me with your casual dating stories!
Folks I have a problem. For the past month i’ve been spending a couple nights a week in a bed that is not my own. I’m no stranger to FWB situations or random hook-ups. In fact, I do enjoy having a steady friend with benefits every once in a while.
So what’s the problem? Well I’ve discussed before the importance of not having sex too early, especially when you’re looking for a relationship.
My dilemma: This particular man is not in the market for said relationship.
Oddly enough he is also not in the market for casual sex.
Wait a minute - so the guy doesn’t want casual sex, but also doesn’t want a relationship? Correct.
Quite the paradox yes?
What exactly is happening then? At his request the sleepovers in question have stayed relatively PG until recently. A few nights ago innocent cuddling turned into a pretty heavy, basically naked make-out session. Now I won’t go into too much detail but needless to say 60 more seconds in that situation and I was going to jump him.
Well that looks familiar.
Unfortunately, being the level-headed one at the time I put on the breaks and we resumed innocent cuddling status.
More like semi-innocent cuddling status.
My dear readers I will tell you one thing - I was not very happy.
Now to be fair, I did put myself in this situation. I went over to his house fully intending on going home to my own bed - even if he asked me to stay - as I was still slightly upset about a conversation we had the previous week (more on that later). I have absolutely zero willpower when it comes to this man. Well I suppose that’s not true; if I had zero we might have ended up having sex that night.
To be completely honest I really want to sleep with him. I’ve never met anyone who can make me feel the way he does. We’ve spent countless hours running our hands over each other’s bodies in the most sensual and surprisingly nonsexual way possible.
My mind often wanders while going about my day to those moments and I’ll shiver and smile in anticipation of the next time I can be with him. I know I won’t be disappointed if the day ever comes when we do sleep together.
Unfortunately for me this will all remain just a fantasy. Because no matter how much I want to have sex with this man I know I want a real relationship with him more. Knowing full well that he does not want a relationship with me renders the whole topic a moot point.
So what’s a girl to do?
Continue to compromise myself by sleeping over and eventually having my feelings hurt down the road? Stop seeing him all together and be hurt immediately?
I'll probably choose the more fun and exciting path.
From what I understand it is human nature to want to define and understand the relationships around us. It comes as no shock then that when it comes to our personal relationships we want to slap a label on them as soon as possible. Today I was reading an article by Suzie, author of The Single Dating Diva, in which she discusses defining relationships and if it is even really necessary.
Suzie points out that many college age and young professionals don’t seem to be that eager to define the relationship. I’ve noticed this trend mostly with my male friends. When asked about the women they are seeing they reply that they are just ‘hanging out’ and ‘seeing where it goes’. From female friends I usually hear that they’re ‘just talking’, ‘seeing each other’, or ‘dating, but not exclusively’.
Almost every woman I talk to undoubtedly wants to define the relationship but most are too scared of pushing the man away. Understandable, but it doesn’t have to be this way.
From my own experiences I’ve learned that just approaching the subject of DTR puts pressure on whatever is between the two parties. This is unavoidable... so GET OVER IT.
What you should be focusing on is how to make the whole talk a pleasant experience.
But the talk usually goes something like this.
*Remember that it’s not just your feelings on the line, but your partner’s as well.
*Wait for the right moment - right before you meet your friends for dinner probably isn’t the best choice.
*Don’t assume anything
*Arguing won’t help. If it’s not the answer you were hoping for ask for clarification but don’t counter.
Now this is very important:
If your partner is the one wanting to DTR for the love of all that is holy don’t lead them on. If you’re not really feeling a relationship with them don’t sugar coat it. You’re not doing either of you any favors by continuing to see each other when you’re not prepared to take things to the next level eventually. Keeping your partner around ‘just in case’ is inconsiderate.
I am notorious for jumping the gun when it comes to DTR. I wanted to keep things really casual at the beginning of my relationship with X but ended up officially labeling us three weeks after starting to see each other. The same happened with Ray recently and the resulting pressure was one of our biggest downfalls.
Unfortunately I think defining the relationship is necessary. Personally I’d go crazy after a few weeks of not knowing exactly where I stand with someone. Thankfully i’m getting better at being patient and letting things happen more naturally.
Woah bro... lets slow things down a bit
“Taking responsibility for your relationships is a sign of maturity. It’s a sign that your life is moving forward. When you spend a lot of time with someone, share your life with them, share your ups and downs with them, when you talk every day, when they are constantly on your mind, when they make you happy and bring something positive into your life why not define it?”
I know you all have been anxiously awaiting more posts. I've been super busy these last couple weeks but I have vowed to write like a crazy person this week.
Make sure you follow me on twitter - @COASMonogamist
If my life was a movie it would definitely be a romantic comedy. Minus most of the romance.
The plot would look something like this: female protagonist is seen spending time with her best friend who happens to be male. Feelings develop between them, are unveiled, and with one minor mishap they eventually end up together after a big romantic gesture.
You see, Ray and I have been spending quite a bit of time together these past few months and I would consider him my best friend. This may seem like a childish term but it’s true. He is the first person I turn to when i’m having a bad day. The one I call first to share awesome news and is usually the last person I talk to before going to bed. When i’m bored I shoot him a text because I rarely get tired of his company and I know i’ll always have a good time. So it should come as no surprise to anyone when we started to develop feelings for each other.
Our dynamic started to shift about a month ago, going from really casual hanging out every once in a while and talking a couple times a week to talking every day and hanging out ever other. My friends began to comment on how strange our relationship was; they knew we were super close but also knew we never touched. No friend hugs to be had here!
I will admit I was in complete denial until one night I had been drinking and was playfully trying to keep him from leaving my house. I’m not sure what the exact trigger was but as soon as he said we should talk when I was sober I knew there was no going back. The next afternoon was the most awkward day I hope to ever experience with Ray.
We met our friends for lunch and probably didn’t say more than 10 words to each other the entire time. When someone asked why we were so quiet we both shrugged and tried not to look at each other.
oh what? No I most certainly was not staring at you...
We desperately needed to talk about what was going on between us or be forever awkward in each others’ presence. Hiking had been our activity of choice for several weeks at this point so it felt only natural to suggest we ‘walk it out’.
close enough
The tension was stifling. One of the things I love about hiking with Ray is that neither of us feel the need to fill every silence with conversation. We could go several minutes on our walks without saying a word. But the silences on this particular walk were oppressive. All of our concerns were hanging between us unspoken and it seemed like it was never appropriate to approach the topics that needed discussed.
And then something amazing happened. Sitting on a dead tree in the woods the conversation just began to flow. Pros and cons were listed, feelings were shared, and twigs were snapped to keep nervous hands from shaking. I was incredibly impressed by the maturity with which we discussed everything - a trait our relationship still has that I am extremely grateful for. Excitement filled me as I began to think about what a relationship with Ray would be like. So far the plot sounds pretty good right?
Plot twist: Ray is X’s old roommate/really good friend.
Ray was there for me through all of the drama surrounding X leaving. One of his main concerns being that I wasn’t entirely over X at this point. This was a valid concern, especially keeping in mind the name of this blog. As a serial monogamist it is very like me to dive into a new relationship soon after one ends. This is a habit i’m trying to break and Ray was aware of this fact.
After a couple weeks of discussion Ray decided I was worth the risk to his friendship with X.
Here is where things start to head south in my book. X gave us his blessing by saying if Ray and I had a chance at something meaningful how could he possibly stand in the way? (I’m so so so lucky to have such a great group of exes)
Even though X handled the situation the best anyone could the whole process put a lot of pressure on Ray. In the end Ray did what he does best and over analyzed the entire situation. Every day was a different answer. Yeah I want to give us a shot. No I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. I really enjoy the friendly dynamic we have now, but I’m also really attracted to you.
It went on this way until two Fridays ago. We were chilling in my room, waiting for our friends to show up so we could all head out to the bars when out of the blue he blurted “I think I would regret it if I didn’t give us a shot. So i’d like to try. For real this time.”
oh... yeah ok... sweet?
At this point I was very apathetic to the whole situation. Yes I knew I wanted to date him, but I was also extremely frustrated and just wanted a final answer. Once we hit the bars however my excitement began to build once again. The touch barriers were gone and he had given me what I assumed to be his final answer. It turned out to be a great evening and I even got some cuddle time. (Ray stayed over, but slept on the couch)
Several days later Ray informed me that he didn’t think it was going to work.
Beware... I'm about to use a lot of angsty-teen relationship quotes
He walked out of my house after a long hug and made his way toward his car. I stood at the window, watching him leave and decided it was now or never. Cue romantic gesture: I proceeded to put on my shoes and run out the door after him (oddly enough this was not the first time this has happened. It seems to be my signature romantic gesture)
I met him at his car and we then shared our first and what will probably (unfortunately) be our last kiss. Dear readers, do not mistake me. The kiss was wonderful. He was hesitant at first but it definitely made my top 5 first kiss list. His lips were incredibly soft and I felt completely comfortable in his arms.
And they lived happily ever after....
Or not so much. Despite being incredibly turned on by our mini make-out session there was no spark. No fluttering butterflies and there was most certainly no classic foot pop.
I know you know what i'm talking about...
This is very important folks - I have no regrets. About any of it. Had I not ran out and kissed Ray I would have never known if I was missing out on something amazing.
Am I sad that things didn’t work out? More than I'll probably ever admit.
Tonight I came home after having a long talk with Ray about how we were both feeling and I finally got some closure. We discussed at length what exactly had gone wrong (there was too much pressure, he over analyzed) and we both mentioned there wasn’t really any electricity between us when we kissed. I think everything would have worked out differently had X not been in the picture. Our relationship would have developed more organically and we would potentially be together at this very moment. I am grateful that even after all of this Ray and I are still able to have very honest and open conversations. I'm very lucky to have him in my life and I hope he continues to put up with me for many more years.
What we have may not be a romantic relationship, but it's still pretty awesome.
Just a few days ago I was telling a friend all that had happened and all she could say was that I could do better. I know she was just trying to make me feel better but this comment actually made me really angry. I don’t think she fully understood. Ray has recently grown into an amazing guy. He genuinely cares about the people he is close to and is incredibly witty at times. He pushes me to be a better, more responsible person and is able to teach me new things without coming off as condescending. He has always been there when I need him for any reason. Not to mention he is pretty attractive. :P
So no, I couldn't do better (with the exception of the addition of a spark). These are all the qualities I look for and I will be rather envious of the woman who eventually reels him in. What do you think readers? Personally I think men and women can be friends... but only on the surface. Once you start really delving into each other's lives romantic feelings will soon follow. Despite how I wish things had turned out Ray and I shall continue on as we always have... being each other's emotional support. Friends till the end.
It seems to be every guy’s fantasy. A girl invites a man back to her place where he is introduced to her hot roommate. The two girls begin to touch each other and proceed to invite the man to join them. A threesome ensues, good times are had by all and the male is able to leave in the morning - no strings attached and able to brag to his friends later that very day. This risque topic is discussed in embarrassed tones between female friends, many of them saying they would be too insecure or protective of the man to let in another woman. I have seen many r/askreddit and r/sex threads devoted to the topic. Many questions include tips for a successful threesome or asking for stories from adventuresome folks who have experienced them.
Below I may go into some pretty detailed descriptions of my experiences with this topic, so if you don’t want to hear about it then stop reading! This content is not suitable for all ages.
I have always been pretty aware and open with my sexual likes and dislikes, so it was not out of the ordinary for my significant other and I to discuss different fantasies we would like to play out. As mentioned above, one fantasy that was usually on his mind was that of a threesome.
To all you ladies out there who assume this should be offensive - it’s not!
A threesome fantasy is not always about wanting to sleep with other people.
Do not allow yourself to think you’re not good enough to continually please your S.O. Men often see girl on girl action in porn and think it’s the hottest thing ever (they’re not alone, I too enjoy a little girl/girl visual stimuli every once in a while).
Imagine you’re a man...I ask you - wouldn’t it be super hot to see your girlfriend being pleasured by another woman right in front of you? Wouldn’t it be EVEN HOTTER if you were able to join in? This is why this particular fantasy is so common.
So X (my most recent ex-boyfriend) and I had a very honest discussion about what it would take for a threesome to happen. One main thing I see a lot in the threads on Reddit is that couples attempting to have a threesome need to be very comfortable with each other and have PREDETERMINED RULES.
My rules included:
*Had to be someone we were not good friends with, as I assumed this would lead to awkwardness later.
*Everyone had to mostly focus on me: I know this sounds selfish, but even though I find women attractive I don’t particularly like to touch them. This rule was also in place so that X wouldn’t focus too much on the other girl, preventing me from getting too jealous.
*There was to be NO PENETRATION of the other woman by X. Kissing and touching seemed fine to me, but the act of intercourse seemed to border too much on cheating for me.
Now, in my head I didn’t think a threesome with X and I would ever actually happen, as we weren’t really the type to introduce ourselves to strangers in the bar or look online for potential 3rd parties.
Life goes on, time passes, and one night several friends, X, and I are drinking at X’s apartment. I will admit, I was completely wasted. The party started to clear out and one thing lead to another and suddenly I was making out with one of our mutual female friends. After a pretty sexy make out session I told our friend she could share the bed with X and I so she didn’t have to sleep on the couch.
We all piled into X’s bed and began making out with each other again. Pretty soon everyone was naked and I was thoroughly enjoying myself. Our friend knew what she was doing in the pleasure department that’s for sure. In the heat of the moment I urged X to go ahead and fuck our friend, though after a minute he stopped, telling me later that he was unsure how I would feel about it in the morning.
This is a really good example of how even the best laid plans go awry... in the heat of the moment I wanted X to break a rule, but thankfully he was aware enough of my feelings to make a better judgement call and to ultimately follow the rules. He was right, I would have been pissed the next day. I am incredibly grateful he behaved the way he did.
As for not sleeping with someone we knew.... Oops. Thankfully, our friend had had similar adventures before and knew how to be an adult about it. It wasn’t awkward at all the next few times we all hung out.
There were even some inside jokes/secret looks passed between all of us that confused other members of our friend circle occasionally. Overall I am happy that she is the one it happened with, as it would have been a disaster with anyone else. So pick your 3rd party carefully!
I know what some of you may be thinking - It had to have effected our relationship somehow...
You’d be absolutely right. It did put a strain on our relationship. X had ideas about how the experience could have been improved upon (he was so worried about how I would react the next day he didn’t fully enjoy the experience). He occasionally mentioned trying again and since I wasn’t really interested it got annoying extremely fast.
There were also brief periods of time when I would become insecure and we would fight; sometimes bringing our female friend’s name into it, even though she was not at fault in any way.
Long story short, even if you are extremely prepared and have all the rules in place and think you’re in the most comfortable secure relationship on the planet, something will invariably not go according to plan.
Do I regret doing it? Nope. It was an extremely enjoyable experience.
Would I do it again? Nope. Not with a S.O. anyway ;)
Stay tuned for Threesomes Part 2 and discuss your experiences below!
Many of my female friends have recently asked for my secret when it comes to encouraging men to approach me at the bar. According to them men apparently seem to flock to me when we are out.
During one conversation in particular my friend and I were sitting at the bar and she was complaining about men and the fact they never seemed interested in approaching her.
Taking a quick note of our body language in that moment I saw immediately what the problem was. We were both slouching with our torsos directed towards the bartender. We could have been the hottest girls in the room but if I were a man looking for some action I wouldn't go anywhere near that scene... it's just asking to be rejected.
Not only did we have poor body language, but there were no openings in the crowd for an interested man to approach.
A good rule of thumb is to keep your torso facing outward, that way you can make eye contact with anyone you may be interested in.
Fixing my posture and turning my body out towards the crowd I began to scan the room for potentials. Personally frustrated with various other things in my life I decided to focus on being a good wing-woman.
One man I noticed kept looking in our direction, so I decided to draw him in. After several moments of prolonged eye contact he made his way over to us. After introductions were made and the conversation seemed like it was heading in a good direction I excused myself to the ladies room. (Girls take note, to be a good wing-woman you need to make sure to give your friend some alone time every once in a while, this gives the man the opportunity to ask for her number later in the conversation.)
By changing my body language the prospective man was able to easily join the conversation.
On another occasion my friend Iris acted as the perfect wing-woman. She had been drinking at the bar and had started a conversation with two guys as they had come up to buy a drink. She summoned me over and proceeded to introduce me, giving a relevant piece of information about my hobbies that included me in the conversation that was already happening. She made it super easy for me to join by rotating her back to the bar, including all four of us in the 'circle'.
Iris and two prospects
It is important to note that you should avoid the 'circle' if at all possible when you are out trying to meet people. I know you've all seen the groups of 4 or more girls out at the bar, heads bowed towards each other or dancing in a circle. This is super intimidating to outsiders trying to introduce themselves. And these girls wonder why no one talks to them all night....
For example: Several weeks ago I was out with two good friends. I made sure that we sat at the bar with an opening between us all. We were still close enough to hear each other but there was an obvious opening for someone to approach and talk to either of my friends.
Having open body language however will not automatically draw people to you. I've come to learn that just being approachable is not enough for some men. I mean, let's face it, rejection is tough for everyone right?
Here is what usually works for me:
1. Make eye contact. For at least 10 seconds.
(not all at once... don't be creepy now)
You can look away and back holding for a few seconds at a time.
Yikes...
2. Smile... naturally
Andrew makes a good note that smiling isn't always a good thing as forcing a smile often looks awkward. I tend to do a half smile while averting my eyes for a moment before glancing back.
3. If these steps don't work I usually move on. Or if i'm really interested I keep an eye out for when he goes to order another drink and make my way towards the bar at the same time.
Initiating conversations with people while waiting to order a drink is probably the easiest way to meet people at the bar! I tell all of my male friends to introduce themselves to every woman who stands next to them to order. It's good practice and you never know, you might end up liking them!
Another extremely important lesson i've learned since December is that you should never pass up an opportunity to practice your game. The night of the last example the male to female ratio was ridiculous. I wasn't feeling particularly sexy or even interested in any of the men but I knew it was important to practice making eye contact with people, and since there were so many men to choose from it was a perfect night for target practice.
I chose my victim and followed my usual pattern and he surprised us all by immediately coming over to introduce himself.
While this doesn't always happen i'd say 3 out of 5 attempts end in at least a short conversation.
It's important to remember in these instances that you shouldn't take it personally if after a few minutes a man walks away without asking for your number. Just remember that it was good practice and move on to the next guy.
Hopefully these examples will help next time you're out at the bar!
As always feel free to comment/discuss how some of these tricks have worked for you!
I would like to apologize in advance to all my readers trying to put events into chronological order while reading. Thus far I’ve been writing as things pop into my head, or writing for my friends, knowing what sort of situations they are currently going through and how my words might help. Now I’m in the process of going back and filling in the gaps - something I’d like to avoid in the future. Please be patient with me!
On to the good stuff...
Jordan and I had quickly become friends on facebook after meeting at our mutual friend’s party and had a few IM conversations before he finally asked for my number one evening. Several days later he invited me to meet him and some of his friends at a bar.
I ended up having a really nice time, even though I went into the evening only knowing two people. Jordan was really laid back; initially staying by my side and introduced me to everyone he knew. Gradually as I became more comfortable he mingled with his friends and left me to my own devices, occasionally catching my eye across the room to make sure I was still doing ok. I really appreciate this characteristic in a man - knowing when to leave me alone (if I’m involved in a conversation) and when to rescue me (in the event i’m obviously bored)
As the gathering started to dissipate I turned to Jordan to let him know I was leaving and he caught me really off guard by asking if I wanted to come home with him.
I would like to start by saying that while I liked what I had seen of Jordan’s personality at this point I still wasn’t sure what category I was hoping he would fall into (boyfriend material, friend, friend with benefits).
That being said, I ended up going back to his place. We went into his room under the pretense of watching a movie (yeah right...) and made ourselves comfortable.
Before I knew it we were making out. Originally I didn’t want to sleep with him, knowing that I still didn’t know what category to put him in.
Even though I knew full well that I should have ended the evening at that point, I also felt like I didn’t know how to turn him down since we had already started fooling around. Several days later I found a post from another blog outlining exactly how to handle this situation... Isn’t that how life always works?
As I’m sure you can guess, we ended up having sex. I really enjoyed it; he knew just how to balance treating me as a lady but taking me like a man. If you’ve never experienced this let me break it down for you:
*He spent a good amount of time getting to know my body
*Took his time kissing/caressing
*Wasn’t selfish
*Knew when to be firm ;)
*Wasn’t afraid to be a little rougher/more passionate at times
He initiated post-sex cuddling, and even adjusted the pillows in the middle of the night when he realized I had rolled off of them (he doesn’t know I woke up when this happened).
The next morning we went to breakfast, had an easy and playful conversation, did a little shopping and then went our separate ways.
Of course I told my good friend Iris about it right away... because we girls gossip like that.
(ok... I wouldn't go that far...)
One of her first questions included, “when/are you going to text him later?”
The answer to that my friends is no. Generally it is a good idea to let the man initiate contact in the early stages of any relationship so I decided to wait it out.
So naturally I was thrilled when he sent a text later in the day asking how I was and if I had enjoyed myself the previous evening. At this point I was hooked. Based on what I had seen of his personality I wished I hadn’t slept with him so early. Knowing that it’s very difficult to go from hook-up to relationship I set my sights on hopefully turning the this into a stable friends with benefits situation.
This of course didn’t end up happening, and even though i’m disappointed I don’t necessarily regret anything. We still see each other/talk regularly and I can now learn from my mistakes.
The take way:
*If you want a relationship, don’t have sex until you have some kind of commitment.
