How soon is too soon?

I believe the one thing I get judged the most for is how soon I start dating after a break-up.  It's only natural.  Everyone has a different view on how long a person should mourn before getting back out there.  My method seems to be very effective for me.

The timeline goes a little something like this:

Day 1 - 3:  Cry nonstop for several days.

Day 2:  Log on to my various online dating apps and check out what's out there.

Day 2:  Receive many ridiculous and sometimes offensive but still hilarious messages from both                      attractive and horrendously unattractive men.

Day 7:  Actually reply to a few messages.

Day 8 - 13:  Go on a few dates.  These will probably fail miserably.

Day 13 - 30:  Continue to cry and date.  Date and cry.  Hang out with friends.

Day 31:  Actually go on dates with men you can see yourself with.

Day 32 - 45:  Second dates with those men.

Day 46:  Realize these men aren't for you and let them go.  Much to their disappointment. 

Day who the F knows...:  Actually start to develop feelings for a new man.  Yay!

This time around I met a lot of quality new men right from the get-go!  I attribute this to my recent move to a larger city and some new online dating apps.. *cough* Tinder *cough*  Yes I said tinder.  I'll get back to that later.

Anyway I was getting really frustrated at one point because I was seeing all these awesome guys but I wasn't developing any sort of feelings for them.  Was something wrong with me?  Or could it be attributed to the fact I hadn't had time to properly mourn Ray?

A friend of mine has the theory that i'm still holding out hope that one day Ray will realize his mistake and come running back.  This may or may not be true.  Doesn't everyone have that problem though?  There is always going to be the 'one that got away'.

A close mutual friend of mine and Ray's insisted I try and take some time for myself.  Stop trying to fill my free time with dates and as cliche as it sounds - learn to love myself again.

I couldn't help but argue though.  I already love myself.  I already enjoy spending time by myself.  I think i'm able to be this confident being single because of how fast I try to move on.  It's a fast track to realizing whoever I was dating isn't the only man interested out there.  Girls tend to get hung up on the idea that if that man she spent so much time with couldn't love her then no one ever will.  I don't have this problem.  This friend was worried I was scared of being alone.

If I was scared of being alone I would have jumped into an exclusive relationship right away.  I would have settled for one of those great guys I met early on, and trust me they wanted me to!

A women who doesn't love herself wouldn't have been able to walk away from these amazing men with her head held high.  

"I think the operative word is dating. Many times an adult’s definition of dating is getting involved in a serious committed relationship... but who says you can’t go to dinner and catch a movie with someone new? Too many people see dating as a process to the end game, marriage. As opposed to getting out there and meeting new people...." - Daniel Beaver

I look at dating as an opportunity to meet new people and experience new things.  I've met some awesome people whom I still hang out with through dating websites!  So I'm happy with how I handle dating after a break-up.

Tell me, how do you feel about dating after a breakup?

I'm back

Hey folks long time no read...

There is a pretty simple explanation for that.  Remember when I wouldn't stop writing about Ray?

Remember how I said we were never going to be together?

Yeah that lasted all of a month or so.  Ray and I dated exclusively for a little over a year and to be honest he broke my heart.  You'll see posts from the experience eventually but for right now i'm still not sure where to start.  So instead you'll get to hear all about the crazy dates i've been on since November!

Are you ready?  I am.

Threesomes part 2: The Magical Unicorn

“Never one to miss an opportunity to fine-tune my game I engaged in a playful conversation with an attractive gentleman (Nick) and his friend (Aaron)... both of whom I ended up taking home later that evening (don’t worry, Mitch had gone home long before the flirting became too intense).”

At first i’m sure you thought you hadn’t read that passage right.  I couldn’t possibly have taken both Aaron and Nick home with me that night.  

Especially after having had a first date with Mitch earlier that day.  Ladies I’m telling you... threesomes are not just about two women and a man anymore!

Here I was, enjoying a drink between two fairly attractive men when Nick leaned over and whispered a proposition.  I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly as the music in this particular bar was quite loud.  Had he just said something about both of them walking me home?   Then he winked and added “If you catch my meaning.”

I’ll admit I laughed.  Laughed and went back to my drink, thinking that he was messing with me.  A few minutes later though he reiterated his proposition and added that it would only go as far as I was comfortable... of course.

What the hell I said.  Nick was a doctor (or so he said) and Aaron had just broken up with his longterm girlfriend (which explained his awkward and mopey conversations) and we could all use an adventure!  I told my friends I was going home and reassured them I was comfortable leaving with these strangers.  Little did I know several of my friends had a bet going about who I was eventually going to take home with me that night; the choices being Nick, Aaron, Mitch or another guy who was also with us at the time.  How surprised they were when they all technically lost the bet!

I will throw out a warning before I go into too much detail.  This situation could have gone down a much darker path.  None of my roommates were home and I was letting in two strange men who, if they wanted, could have easily overpowered me if they didn’t get their way.  I was incredibly lucky that all went well, just be aware and look for red flags before you take home random hotties :P

Everything started off fairly typically.  I poured some wine, they complemented me profusely, and we moved towards the bedroom.  Nick came up with an incredibly cheesy nickname of sorts for me.  Stating that I was a very rare woman (I believe he meant that as a compliment) and that they were lucky to have found me he then dubbed me a magical unicorn.  A phrase that was repeated throughout the rest of the night and became a bit of a joke between my friends and I.

The beginning consisted mostly of making out, and moved towards what you would typically find in a male-male-female threesome.  Making out with one guy while the other finds different places for his mouth.  When things started to heat up however, I realized with some embarrassment that I only had one condom in my nightstand.  Nick asked if it was necessary that we have them.  I believe that the look on my face and the stern ‘yes’ was a good answer.  

Aaron got up at that point and ran to the nearby gas station to pick up some more.  He wasn’t gone long, but long enough for me to get a preview of what Nick had to offer.  I wasn’t disappointed. 

Nick was very insistent that we should try to focus mostly on Aaron so he would forget about his ex.  Aaron, however, didn’t seem particularly into it.  He was an average kisser I’ll give him that but when it came right down to it he just couldn’t... well... seal the deal.  He was quite a bit smaller than his friend so I had two conclusions: he was feeling emasculated next to his friend/couldn’t focus with another male in the room or he didn’t find me attractive.  I found the last a little hard to believe since he was the one who ran out for more condoms but I suppose I will never know.

In the end I enjoyed myself, despite Nick going for certain areas I explicitly didn’t want him to venture towards.  I had to tell him no a couple times but eventually he stopped trying.  

No.  Just no.

Again I am aware I was lucky that these two men were as well behaved as they were.  I’m not sad that I had this experience but I recognize that it could have ended very, very badly.

The boys left before I got up the next day but I do remember them saying goodbye before they left.  The experience must not have been all bad as Nick continued to text me for a week or so after.  He even came around for an early morning booty call a week later!

So tell me, have you ever had a threesome?  Would you go home with two guys?

High Expectations

        A couple months ago I had just gotten home from having a couple drinks with Jake when I received a text from Nathan asking for a favor.  Nathan and I met while attending a conference together 4 years ago.  He was nice, funny, and easy to talk to so it’s no surprise that I developed a little crush on the guy.  Unfortunately I wasn’t able to act on the crush as we were both dating other people at the time.

Years pass and we see each other occasionally on campus but don’t really hang out for longer than 10 minutes at a time.  So when he asked for a favor this particular Friday night I had no problem lending my services as I was excited for an excuse to see him while he was in town (he had recently moved to the quad-cities).

Turns out the poor guy had lost his keys in one of the bars and by the time we reached them they were all closing down and told him to come back the next day.  As I’m sure you can guess this led Nathan to ask to crash if he could crash on my couch.

Back at the apartment it didn’t take long for him to make a move.  The situation had potential to go one of two ways:

It would turn into amazing no strings attached sex with a long time crush or I would be heavily disappointed in one way or another.

If you guess that it was an awful experience you’d be correct!  Not only was he sloppy drunk - potentially inhibiting his ability to kiss decently but he also emitted a strange, high-pitched moan occasionally.  The strangest part was that there was no reason for him to be moaning.  

Uh... what...?

Once I realized he was going to be sloppy in bed I decided I was going to be selfish and just make out with him and if he wanted to still venture south of the border so be it.  Granted he knew what he was doing with his hands but the moaning was a little distracting at times.

Don’t get me wrong; it can be incredibly sexy when a man sighs or groans occasionally when pleasuring me... I take it as a sign they are enjoying themselves.  But this was the equivalent of those annoying girls in porn with their non-stop moaning and high-pitched voices telling you that yes: you are God’s gift to women (not..)

Did I feel a bit like a selfish bitch the next day? Yes.  But I had made it very clear I didn’t want to have sex and I have a pretty strict policy against oral sex unless I really like the person.  I feel it’s important to stay true to yourself and to not compromise your body if it’s not something you really want.

So there you have it.  I imagined what it would be like to hook up with this guy for 4+ years only to be disappointed when the opportunity came.  Bummer.

My question to you all is this: Have you ever gotten the opportunity to hook up with someone you’ve always wanted?  Did it go well or was it a disaster like mine?  I’d love to hear your stories!

Casual Dating

I’ve wanted to try casually dating several people at once for quite a while now.  While i’ve gone on multiple dates in a single week I always decide I don’t particularly want to see the men in question again.  This tends to put an immediate end to my casual dating streak.

When Ray and I were first talking about dating I was hoping I would finally get my chance.  Here was someone that I could see myself dating for a while who theoretically wouldn’t mind if I was seeing other people at the same time.

Unfortunately I didn’t have any other offers on the table at the time, therefore turning a casual dating scenario into an exclusive one.

Maybe someday I’ll have the opportunity, but until then let me know how it has been going for you!

Leave a comment or message me with your casual dating stories!

Let's talk about sex

Folks I have a problem.  For the past month i’ve been spending a couple nights a week in a bed that is not my own.  I’m no stranger to FWB situations or random hook-ups.  In fact, I do enjoy having a steady friend with benefits every once in a while.  

So what’s the problem?  Well I’ve discussed before the importance of not having sex too early, especially when you’re looking for a relationship.  

My dilemma: This particular man is not in the market for said relationship.  

Oddly enough he is also not in the market for casual sex.  

Wait a minute - so the guy doesn’t want casual sex, but also doesn’t want a relationship? 
Correct.  

Quite the paradox yes?

What exactly is happening then?  At his request the sleepovers in question have stayed relatively PG until recently.  A few nights ago innocent cuddling turned into a pretty heavy, basically naked make-out session.  Now I won’t go into too much detail but needless to say 60 more seconds in that situation and I was going to jump him.

Well that looks familiar.

Unfortunately, being the level-headed one at the time I put on the breaks and we resumed innocent cuddling status.  

More like semi-innocent cuddling status.

My dear readers I will tell you one thing - I was not very happy.

Now to be fair, I did put myself in this situation.  I went over to his house fully intending on going home to my own bed - even if he asked me to stay - as I was still slightly upset about a conversation we had the previous week (more on that later).  
I have absolutely zero willpower when it comes to this man.  Well I suppose that’s not true; if I had zero we might have ended up having sex that night.

To be completely honest I really want to sleep with him.  I’ve never met anyone who can make me feel the way he does.  We’ve spent countless hours running our hands over each other’s bodies in the most sensual and surprisingly nonsexual way possible.  

My mind often wanders while going about my day to those moments and I’ll shiver and smile in anticipation of the next time I can be with him.  I know I won’t be disappointed if the day ever comes when we do sleep together.

Unfortunately for me this will all remain just a fantasy.  Because no matter how much I want to have sex with this man I know I want a real relationship with him more.  Knowing full well that he does not want a relationship with me renders the whole topic a moot point.

So what’s a girl to do? 

Continue to compromise myself by sleeping over and eventually having my feelings hurt down the road?
Stop seeing him all together and be hurt immediately?

I'll probably choose the more fun and exciting path.

DTR: Defining the relationship

From what I understand it is human nature to want to define and understand the relationships around us.  It comes as no shock then that when it comes to our personal relationships we want to slap a label on them as soon as possible.  Today I was reading an article by Suzie, author of The Single Dating Diva, in which she discusses defining relationships and if it is even really necessary.

Suzie points out that many college age and young professionals don’t seem to be that eager to define the relationship.  I’ve noticed this trend mostly with my male friends.  When asked about the women they are seeing they reply that they are just ‘hanging out’ and ‘seeing where it goes’.  From female friends I usually hear that they’re ‘just talking’, ‘seeing each other’, or ‘dating, but not exclusively’.

Almost every woman I talk to undoubtedly wants to define the relationship but most are too scared of pushing the man away.  Understandable, but it doesn’t have to be this way.

From my own experiences I’ve learned that just approaching the subject of DTR puts pressure on whatever is between the two parties.  This is unavoidable... so GET OVER IT.

What you should be focusing on is how to make the whole talk a pleasant experience.  

But the talk usually goes something like this.

*Remember that it’s not just your feelings on the line, but your partner’s as well. 

*Wait for the right moment - right before you meet your friends for dinner probably isn’t the best choice.

*Don’t assume anything

*Arguing won’t help.  If it’s not the answer you were hoping for ask for clarification but don’t counter.

Now this is very important:

If your partner is the one wanting to DTR for the love of all that is holy don’t lead them on.  If you’re not really feeling a relationship with them don’t sugar coat it.  You’re not doing either of you any favors by continuing to see each other when you’re not prepared to take things to the next level eventually.  Keeping your partner around ‘just in case’ is inconsiderate. 

I am notorious for jumping the gun when it comes to DTR.  I wanted to keep things really casual at the beginning of my relationship with X but ended up officially labeling us three weeks after starting to see each other.  The same happened with Ray recently and the resulting pressure was one of our biggest downfalls.

Unfortunately I think defining the relationship is necessary.  Personally I’d go crazy after a few weeks of not knowing exactly where I stand with someone.  Thankfully i’m getting better at being patient and letting things happen more naturally.

Woah bro... lets slow things down a bit

“Taking responsibility for your relationships is a sign of maturity.  It’s a sign that your life is moving forward.  When you spend a lot of time with someone, share your life with them, share your ups and downs with them, when you talk every day, when they are constantly on your mind, when they make you happy and bring something positive into your life why not define it?” 

- Suzie A. Author of Single Dating Diva

What do you think? DTR: Necessary or no?