If my life was a movie it would definitely be a romantic comedy. Minus most of the romance.
The plot would look something like this: female protagonist is seen spending time with her best friend who happens to be male. Feelings develop between them, are unveiled, and with one minor mishap they eventually end up together after a big romantic gesture.
Unfortunately real life doesn’t work that way.
You see, Ray and I have been spending quite a bit of time together these past few months and I would consider him my best friend. This may seem like a childish term but it’s true. He is the first person I turn to when i’m having a bad day. The one I call first to share awesome news and is usually the last person I talk to before going to bed. When i’m bored I shoot him a text because I rarely get tired of his company and I know i’ll always have a good time. So it should come as no surprise to anyone when we started to develop feelings for each other.
Our dynamic started to shift about a month ago, going from really casual hanging out every once in a while and talking a couple times a week to talking every day and hanging out ever other. My friends began to comment on how strange our relationship was; they knew we were super close but also knew we never touched. No friend hugs to be had here!
I will admit I was in complete denial until one night I had been drinking and was playfully trying to keep him from leaving my house. I’m not sure what the exact trigger was but as soon as he said we should talk when I was sober I knew there was no going back. The next afternoon was the most awkward day I hope to ever experience with Ray.
We met our friends for lunch and probably didn’t say more than 10 words to each other the entire time. When someone asked why we were so quiet we both shrugged and tried not to look at each other.
oh what? No I most certainly was not staring at you...
We desperately needed to talk about what was going on between us or be forever awkward in each others’ presence. Hiking had been our activity of choice for several weeks at this point so it felt only natural to suggest we ‘walk it out’.
close enough
The tension was stifling. One of the things I love about hiking with Ray is that neither of us feel the need to fill every silence with conversation. We could go several minutes on our walks without saying a word. But the silences on this particular walk were oppressive. All of our concerns were hanging between us unspoken and it seemed like it was never appropriate to approach the topics that needed discussed.
And then something amazing happened. Sitting on a dead tree in the woods the conversation just began to flow. Pros and cons were listed, feelings were shared, and twigs were snapped to keep nervous hands from shaking. I was incredibly impressed by the maturity with which we discussed everything - a trait our relationship still has that I am extremely grateful for. Excitement filled me as I began to think about what a relationship with Ray would be like. So far the plot sounds pretty good right?
Plot twist: Ray is X’s old roommate/really good friend.
Ray was there for me through all of the drama surrounding X leaving. One of his main concerns being that I wasn’t entirely over X at this point. This was a valid concern, especially keeping in mind the name of this blog. As a serial monogamist it is very like me to dive into a new relationship soon after one ends. This is a habit i’m trying to break and Ray was aware of this fact.
After a couple weeks of discussion Ray decided I was worth the risk to his friendship with X.
Here is where things start to head south in my book. X gave us his blessing by saying if Ray and I had a chance at something meaningful how could he possibly stand in the way? (I’m so so so lucky to have such a great group of exes)
Even though X handled the situation the best anyone could the whole process put a lot of pressure on Ray. In the end Ray did what he does best and over analyzed the entire situation. Every day was a different answer. Yeah I want to give us a shot. No I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship. I really enjoy the friendly dynamic we have now, but I’m also really attracted to you.
It went on this way until two Fridays ago. We were chilling in my room, waiting for our friends to show up so we could all head out to the bars when out of the blue he blurted “I think I would regret it if I didn’t give us a shot. So i’d like to try. For real this time.”
oh... yeah ok... sweet?
At this point I was very apathetic to the whole situation. Yes I knew I wanted to date him, but I was also extremely frustrated and just wanted a final answer. Once we hit the bars however my excitement began to build once again. The touch barriers were gone and he had given me what I assumed to be his final answer. It turned out to be a great evening and I even got some cuddle time. (Ray stayed over, but slept on the couch)
Several days later Ray informed me that he didn’t think it was going to work.
Beware... I'm about to use a lot of angsty-teen relationship quotes
He walked out of my house after a long hug and made his way toward his car. I stood at the window, watching him leave and decided it was now or never. Cue romantic gesture: I proceeded to put on my shoes and run out the door after him (oddly enough this was not the first time this has happened. It seems to be my signature romantic gesture)
I met him at his car and we then shared our first and what will probably (unfortunately) be our last kiss. Dear readers, do not mistake me. The kiss was wonderful. He was hesitant at first but it definitely made my top 5 first kiss list. His lips were incredibly soft and I felt completely comfortable in his arms.
And they lived happily ever after....
Or not so much. Despite being incredibly turned on by our mini make-out session there was no spark. No fluttering butterflies and there was most certainly no classic foot pop.
I know you know what i'm talking about...
This is very important folks - I have no regrets. About any of it. Had I not ran out and kissed Ray I would have never known if I was missing out on something amazing.
Am I sad that things didn’t work out? More than I'll probably ever admit.
Tonight I came home after having a long talk with Ray about how we were both feeling and I finally got some closure. We discussed at length what exactly had gone wrong (there was too much pressure, he over analyzed) and we both mentioned there wasn’t really any electricity between us when we kissed. I think everything would have worked out differently had X not been in the picture. Our relationship would have developed more organically and we would potentially be together at this very moment. I am grateful that even after all of this Ray and I are still able to have very honest and open conversations. I'm very lucky to have him in my life and I hope he continues to put up with me for many more years.
What we have may not be a romantic relationship, but it's still pretty awesome.
Just a few days ago I was telling a friend all that had happened and all she could say was that I could do better.
I know she was just trying to make me feel better but this comment actually made me really angry. I don’t think she fully understood. Ray has recently grown into an amazing guy. He genuinely cares about the people he is close to and is incredibly witty at times. He pushes me to be a better, more responsible person and is able to teach me new things without coming off as condescending. He has always been there when I need him for any reason. Not to mention he is pretty attractive. :P
What do you think readers? Personally I think men and women can be friends... but only on the surface. Once you start really delving into each other's lives romantic feelings will soon follow.
Despite how I wish things had turned out Ray and I shall continue on as we always have... being each other's emotional support. Friends till the end.
